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Disclaimer: This is a fake news article based on the South Park episode “The Cissy,” season 18, episode 3. If you want this to make...

Odd statement but, I love celebrities – and I love to judge them.

NOTICE - This is the second part in a series. If you haven’t read the first one, go here. “One month!” I shouted in disbelief at Mr....

Anyone who gets the school’s lunch knows the obscene amount of cheese they stuff into all of their foods. Pizza, cheesy pillows, grilled...

The Boy Scouts have their own line of cookies.

TALLAHASSEE—Tensions have been mounting outside of a Postal Office in Tallahassee, Florida, as a local gang of Chihuahuas known as HAM,...

I can not keep a plant alive for the life of me. It is above my pay grade, beyond my capabilities, and in my opinion, a very overrated...

Waking up Monday morning, I hit my alarm and rolled out of bed. After stumbling around, I hit my light switch and rolled up the curtains,...

The only thing more annoying than the worthless apology of “Please excuse this interruption” over the intercom is the insufferable...

You know in movies how there’s always quirky and funny things written in the girls bathroom, like in “Super Bad” or “Booksmart”? We have...

Edward Durr, a truck driver from New Jersey, shockingly beat an opponent with twenty years of incumbency under his belt, Steve Sweeney,...

Can you hear it? The screams of children, the cries of old ladies struggling to lock their doors and seal their windows tight, the...

Rejoice, She-ra fans!

The previous school year was an interesting one, especially for seventh graders. There was a pandemic going on, and online school was in...

Activision has officially announced their plans to start seven new wars around the world to make more Call of Duty games. “We are very...

History has had many instances of great philosophers of the time trying to answer great questions of the time. What defines a human? How...

Lately, I’ve felt that there are some things missing here at Eagle Rock High, and I haven’t been able to figure out exactly what. But...

Russians. Everywhere I go, I'm reminded of them. I try to learn their language to prepare for this article, and I'm bombarded with...

Now that the wondrous season of autumn has come upon us, I feel as though it is time to share my very controversial opinion on a fall...

I went to Disneyland a couple of weeks ago and was appalled by the nerve some of the other patrons had. How could these horrible people...

In a shocking turn of events today, the Coronavirus has suddenly disappeared, after running out of Greek letters. The deadly virus was...

There’s a new menace on Eagle Rock’s campus. No, it isn’t the DP program, I said a new menace. Even our beautiful, brand new, retrofitted...

Tensions rise between rival Eagles.

AMBER Alert: A 17 going on 28 Caucasian man missing after Rotten Tomatoes destroys Dear Evan Hansen’s chance at being a movie-musical...

It was around 11:50 am when I, like most students, was eating lunch at the tables. My mouth was dry from eating cheesy pockets that the...

Eno Thomson-Tribe, a former Eagle’s Scream employee best remembered for his proficiency in the sciences and mathematics, was declared...

If you say you’re a Disney fan, you’ve probably been through the interrogation that every true Disney fan gives to one another.

Today at the Network of Cartoons’ official press conference on content regulation and censorship, many arrived to a nearly empty panel....

Things have been tough this last year. We’ve endured a global pandemic, an economic meltdown, and a political insurrection. And now that...

Gourmet satire picked fresh from the vine. Definitely not made of people. Nosirie.

It started in November. A few of my friends had begun to talk more and more about those Minecraft YouTubers who did the "Minecraft...

Twice a year, in Spring and Fall, we turn our clocks forward or back an hour to begin and end daylight savings time. But why do we do...

As a highly successful journalist, I get asked questions about my profession a lot. How do you write so well? I don’t know; I guess I...

Once upon a time, I lived in an apartment with two fish. Well, the fish aren’t really important here. They died not too long into their...

We’ve been gone from school since March of last year, and things are definitely different now. While it might look the same from the...

An Eagle’s Scream journalist who has published several previous articles in the paper is out of ideas. After a prolonged period of...

With COVID-19 and quarantine, we all, for the most part, miss out on seeing our friends in person. This means no more high-fives,...

Yeah, I said it. Let me paint a picture for those who have not yet been converted: You’re lounging about one afternoon, perhaps imitating...

Yes this is a reupload, I unintentionally deleted all my old articles while messing around with the website.

The average height for a woman is 5’3”. I’m 5’1”, and people may think that’s not much of a height difference. However, if I am doing the...

A poorly veiled rip-off of the 1993 classic Groundhog Day, Quarantine (dir. COVID-19, 2020) is essentially the same movie, with 80% less...

Burger King merges with Lockheed Martin Burger King recently announced that they will be beginning a merger with Lockheed Martin, which...

CPM math is the best thing since sliced bread. It has given us such wonderful problems that the funding provided by Bill Gates can be...

Now that almost everyone is wearing a face mask in public, it has become much harder to emote. When a stranger smiles at you from a safe...

America's election system is horribly broken, and it has always been. For a long period of time, only a certain small set of Americans...

Cats vs. Dogs: the age-old debate over which one is the better pet. It seems like all the time I hear people arguing over which pets are...

We’ve all done it at some point in time: left a textbook or a sweatshirt at school only to find that it’s vanished the next day. In my...

yummy satire

Over the years at ERHS, we’ve seen the rise and fall of a multitude of proposed and enacted bell schedules. From bell schedules of 2015...