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Conspiracheese: Say Gouda riddance to the Cheese Lobby

Image by Ivy Klein

Anyone who gets the school’s lunch knows the obscene amount of cheese they stuff into all of their foods. Pizza, cheesy pillows, grilled cheese, even the turkey is lined with a bit of cheese. Every bite is a lactose overdose. But why? Why is the school so obsessed with cheese? Something strange is afoot, and I am here to get to the bottom of it.

It all started one school day when the lunch was a delicious, 100% authentic Sicilian-style pizza. One look at it, and you could tell something was off… it had massive globs of cheese. Everywhere; on top, dangling from the sides, even the underbelly of the pizza was protected by a thick coat of calcium. It was like this on everyone else’s pizzas, so this must have been intentional. I decided to do some digging. I went to their website and found something astonishing: if you check their menu 73% OF THEIR FOODS HAVE CHEESE. They claim to serve over 680,000 meals per day, so in a five-day week, that’s about 2,482,000 cheesy meals a week, NOT including their Summer meals program. And that’s when it hit me: LAUSD is purposely adding more cheese to their foods and menus to make big cheese companies more money.

I decided to voice my concerns with the principal. I approached him after school and asked him about the cheese epidemic. “Excuse me sir, are you aware of the massive amounts of cheese in the school meals?” It was at this point Mr. Steinorth started dripping with sweat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Cheese is an excellent source of protein and is very good for you.” He said squeamishly. “But I think there’s more than that! It’s apparent that LAUSD is purposely driving up the amount of cheese in their foods to make cheese companies richer, and receiving funding in exchange!” “Listen kid, just ignore it. I’ve worked at schools for over 30 years, after a while, your tongue goes numb and you learn to like it. Just go home, you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” Then he stormed off as fast as he could.

When I got home I finished my homework and lay down. I thought about what it all meant. If I really was just being paranoid, or if I’m turning into one of those guys on the sidewalk wearing a sign for a shirt screaming at everyone that they’re going to die soon. Then I heard the ring of a doorbell. I scrambled to the front door only to find that no one was there. I looked down and saw a piece of paper with the words “Stop! Or else!”

So I wasn’t crazy! There really was an entire conspiracy surrounding the cheese! All I have to say to whoever sent me this is thanks for the snack.

I rushed back to the school with my findings to prove someone was after me, but I felt something was off. I looked around and saw a hooded figure watching me from behind a trash can. “Hey! Get over here!” I shouted at them, but they stood up and started running away. I pursued them, dodging the greasy cheese slices they threw at me. We ran into the cafeteria, where I picked up a frozen burrito and promptly threw it at them, breaking into a million icy bean and steak parts when it collided with their head. They fell to the ground and their hood came off… it was Mr. Steinorth!!!!!!!!:0!!!! “Explain yourself!” I shouted. “I’ll never talk!” he responded. “You just did.” This paradox overloaded Mr. Steinorth’s brain, and he was overwhelmed by confusion; his entire perception of reality shattered. “Fine! I’ll tell you everything!” “What are you doing here?” I inquired, “I just received plans from the man upstairs and was walking back to my office. Here.” He said out of breath. I looked over the plans and was appalled by what I had read. “Big Cheese is going to turn the entire school into cheese?” “It only starts here. Soon, all of LAUSD will be cheese. The textbooks, the tables, paper, pencils, the daily pass, and eventually the teachers. It will be a perfect world where teachers can eat students’ phones and not take them away, and where I can eat as many pens as I want and not be called weird.” “When will this start?” I asked.

“One month.”

To be continued…

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