Updated: Apr 6
Celebrities always have eyes on them. Everyday, a new paparazzi picture is snapped and posted on Pinterest, Instagram, you name it. Odd statement but, I love celebrities – and I love to judge them.
There are so many different genres of celebrities, country music stars, actors, creepy social experiment creators, Kanye West… I’m sure you can go up to any one of your friends and they’ll have a clear answer of which celebrity they’re currently obsessing over – the celebrity they have on their wall, pictures taken from the weekly magazine, now with holes scattered throughout where, cough, Andrew Garfield, cough, used to be. Anyway, celebrities are a huge part of our world, they’re everywhere. So obviously people are going to fall in love with at least one of them. These are celebrity crushes. And I’m here to rate them.
In order to rate, we need a scale, a fair way to give a celebrity a number on the scale. Here’s how I’ll go about determining the ranks: I’ll first judge the looks. Is the celebrity conventionally attractive; would I want to date them or be them? Next, I’ll judge their talents. Are they famous because they’re insanely talented and make us laugh and cry everytime we watch / listen to something with them, or do they do stupid things online? Lastly, I look into their personality. Pretty straight forward, are they nice? Do they seem like a fun person?
Each trial the big name will get a ranking from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, 1 being the lowest. The ideal celebrity will get 30 points, Mark Zuckerberg will get 3. It’s simple.
With that, let’s get onto the judging.
Starting things off with the glowing, insanely popular Zendaya. Obviously, she’s a very gorgeous girl. She has perfect features that compliment her face. She’s slim and beautiful and takes away the shallow breath of anyone who lays their pathetic, lousy, not famous eyes on her. Not only that, but her hair is absolutely remarkable. Her silhouette is one not like any other. She can rock absolutely any style.
Her ranking on the attractive scale is, drum roll please, 9/10.
Thereafter, we have to speak about talent. Why is she famous? From a simple search, I see that she got noticed through the Disney Channel, but I'm not going to count that since I’m not a Disney kid. Other than that, she’s obviously known for Euphoria, the hit new HBO show about drug addicts, gay people, and anything but celibacy. Although I also haven’t really seen this incredibly not kid friendly show, I have friends and own tik tok so, I know the whole story – and from clips I’ve seen, she’s pretty damn good (plus she has an amazing voice). 10/10.
Lastly, the personality, the charisma! As a “No Way Home” fan, I’ve seen plenty of interviews with the cast, including Miss Zendaya. Not much to say, she seems kind and has a fun sense of humor. Also, after going to Google, I learned from Tom Holland that she is incredibly nice to fans, even taught him to be as sweet! 9/10. Final ranking… 28/30.
Next up, somewhat related to Zendaya, Timothee Chalamet. I think he differs. Sometimes he’s good… sometimes he’s an underage boy in love with a 24 year old American. I tried to get a good picture of him in Dune (read about the movie here) but all the pictures were grainy and looked like they were taken in 1938. Anyways, he’s a pretty good lookin’ guy. Very defined and clean. Honestly, I love his naturally curly hair and the way he keeps it semi-long. His eyes are kind of dead but in a good way? Yeah, a good way. 8/10.
Now onto the talent category. Timothee, pronounced tim-o-tay, got big when starring in a film called “Call Me By Your Name,” and as you can see from the previous reference – I’ve seen the movie. From what I remember it was… interesting, but the acting was really good. Tim did a fantastic job and made a realistic teenage boy. This is coming from someone who has the mental capacity of said teenage boy. 8/10. Lastly, the character. After watching some interviews with him and his castmate Armie Hammer I saw he seemed super nice. He had a great sense of humor and a bright attitude. Especially since he was interviewed by Ellen. After some fan research, I see multiple instances of him being kind even off camera. 9/10. Overall score: 25/30
Next up, the insanely popular Markiplier. Now, I’m sure anyone with Tik Tok has seen at least one thirst trap edit of this man. I know I see at least four a day. So, obviously, I’m qualified to judge him. Right off the bat, the picture is very, very nice. I really like the long hair look. It suits his personality, you know? The slight beard is good too. I hate, and I say hate, men with big beards. It’s incredibly unattractive to me. I appreciate this look. 9/10.
Following the scale, I will now judge talent. In case you live under a rock, Markiplier is a YouTuber, more specifically a gaming YouTuber. I know some of y'all are going to be mad but I’ve never really watched Mark. I grew up in a cuss-free household so I wasn’t allowed to watch content creators like him and Jacksepticeye. Nonetheless, I sat down and watched a few videos for this article's sake and I do not regret it. He’s pretty funny. 7/10. Personality kind of ties into the content since I would say a lot of the creators are decently sincere. At least he appears so. I’ve also seen VidCon vlogs with him and he seems like a dude I’d want to get coffee with. 10/10. The rating: 26/30.
I know it’s man after man but everyone is obsessed with them right now, so you’re gonna have to deal with it. Don’t fret, next is a girl. Anyways, Robert Pattison. This man has a very strong grip on me as of now. I quite literally had a dream about him. So I’m going to be a teeny eeny weeny bit biased. First off, jaw dropping man right here. Jawline, 10/10. Hair, 10/10. Eyes, 10/10. This guy right here was my straight awakening. Other than Andrew Garfield. Clearly, 10/10 score.
Now, his talents. I’ve seen him in a couple things, i.e. Harry Potter – and I will say, he was great in it. As a hufflepuff, he is the one hufflepuff people know, and I appreciate that – and then he died. Thanks JK Rowling. Also obviously he was really good in Twilight, which was the movie that booted his career. I mean, have you seen the Twilight geeks? So, withal, he’s hot; I’m in love. 9/10. Personality? Sky rocketing. His chaotic energy in interviews makes me almost take comfort in him. He seems so sweet and has such a perfect sense of humor. He also deals with absolutely bonker fans insanely well. 10/10. Overall: 29/30.
As promised, the fifth celebrity crush is Florence Pugh. Now, I’m pretty picky with my women. But I will say, Ms. Pugh pretty much checks all the boxes. Blonde. Honestly, she’s really, really, really, really pretty. Like, very pretty. Her eyes are beautiful and again – she’s blonde. She’s elegant and I’m incredibly jealous of her nose. Her eyebrows perfectly match her face shape and overall her features are fetching. I didn’t know that word was real, I thought Gretchen made it up. 9/10.
As a horror movie fan, I know she was in the iconic and disturbing Midsommar, a film by Ari Aster, the director of one of my favorite movies, Hereditary. She was incredible in that movie, one of the best performances I’ve ever seen. That movie? Scarring. I’ve also heard only rave reviews on the other works she’s been in so clearly she’s a fantastic actor. 10/10. Lastly, her disposition. She hosted a mini-cooking show in early 2021 which had to be the cutest thing. After reading some articles, I can clearly tell she seems like a legit sweetheart. I mean, she hangs out with her 84 year old grandma. 9/10. Overall: 28/30.
The last well known fellow I will be rating is none other than Wi-Ha Joon, the undercover cop from Squid Game. Now, I was pretty excited when I saw this on my form asking for people’s crushes, I was very, very, happy. Honestly, I fell in love with this man the minute I laid my eyes on him. I’m not sure why, I’m not sure how. There’s just something about how much of a badass he was in the Korean drama. 8/10 just for the fact I can’t describe why.
Obviously he blew up in the show everyone obsessed over in late 2021; I was a lesser version of one of those people. I finished the show in about two days and he immediately became my favorite character. Joon takes on this role perfectly and I know it differs greatly from his actual personality. 10/10. Speaking of, his personality is blooming. I follow his Instagram and he is so adorable and innocent. He’s also posting about how grateful he is and is always smiling and overall enjoying life. He seems like a dude you’d wanna study Bio with. 9/10. Overall 27/30.
We’ve come to the end of this journey. I’ve looked at many faces and thought long and hard. I’ve watched movies and too many interviews. I laughed, I cried, I procrastinated. But that's okay because… according to me… the reigning celebrity crush chosen by the people is… drum roll… Robert Pattison with an amazing score of 29/30. (Zendaya and Florence in a close second). This road was an enjoyable one, thanks for coming with me. Sorry if I made you mad.