Breaking News: Lorde is a 50 year old man??!!

Disclaimer: This is a fake news article based on the South Park episode “The Cissy,” season 18, episode 3. If you want this to make sense, I recommend watching it on HBO Max (not sponsored). Enjoy.

Art by Anabella Caudillo

BREAKING NEWS!!

LORDE – NOT WHO WE THOUGHT


A drastic change has fallen across the globe. Barely yesterday, 12:03:79 P.M., Lorde was announced to be something other than a royal girl. She’s a dirty, disgusting, mustache wearing, Colorado settling, “farm” owning, 10 and 13 year old having RANDY MARSH.


Not long ago, I myself listened to Lorde, thinking about the young, raven haired, blue orbed girl with pride. “Wow,” I thought to myself. “Such a beautiful voice,” I would speak with a tear grazing my cheek. But now, God, my view of her (him?) has been turned upside down. I hear, I am Lorde, ya ya ya, I am Lorde ya ya ya, everyday. It’s spinning in my head like an uncontrollable urge, my fist clenches with dread.


Randy Marsh, you disgusting man. How dare you absolutely dishevel our lord: Lorde? What makes you think you are worthy of that title? I stay sleepless in bed, only thinking about him/her/them. Lorde, with a… mustache. A block mustache. Disgusting.

Image Via Tumblr

To really get behind the scenes of this propaganda, I went to the small town in Colorado to interview the ones closest to this fraud: Stan Marsh, his son.


To start things off, I asked the little Marsh how he feels.


“I don’t know,” he said, sighing and looking down, adjusting his beanie, “I mean, I found out dad was Lorde a little bit before the press did.” This shocked me. “We had a… talk… about it. See, one of my friends, Cartman, was saying he was a girl. So I asked my dad about it and… that came out.”


See, this is important. Stan must’ve been the first person to know. To confidently say that though, I had to talk to his wife, Ms. Sharon Marsh.

I asked the same question.

Image Via South Park

“It was weird. My husband was Lorde?” She laughed, “I mean it’s almost unbelievable. I knew he was hiding something from me but I never would’ve thought it would be that.” I then asked what Mrs. Marsh felt would be the best career choice for Randy/Lorde from now on.


“I think he should be able to live his life. I think he should just exist as Randy from now on. Let himself be free.” I nearly cried at these words.


Lorde is an influencer. A new woman. Kids relate to her. People look up to her. This nearly changed my opinion on the woman. Or man. Not sure what to call them. Maybe we were too harsh on the Lorde. I was too harsh on the Lorde. I don’t know, it’s a weird concept. Maybe there’s more to this than just a middle aged man in fishnets.


The Man. The Woman. The Legend. The Influencer. The Juju on that Beat. The God’s Plan. The Box. The Whip. The Nae Nae. The 무궁화 꼬찌 피엇 소리다. The Greta Thunberg. The Watermelon Sugar. THE LORDE.


A few days ago, I scheduled something that changed my life. I emailed the Lorde, and merely a minute later she responded. “Of course we can have an interview. Signed, Lorde.” Read her email response. My heart skipped a beat. I breathed hard yet steady. I sent back a thumbs up emoji.


So today, I’d like to share with you the conversation I had with her. I hope you, too, feel the love and courage Lorde portrays. Let’s set the mood:


We sat in a dimly lit room – my bathroom. I brought two cocktails and a plate of cheese and crackers, it still had the slimy residue of the soggy hot dog I had heated up on it earlier that day. We sat so close our knees grazed each, mine through denim, and hers through fishnet. I hold my breath…


“How are you Lorde?” I break the silence.


She gulps, “Randy, please,” He sighs, waving his hand before looking at himself in the mirror. He grabs the fake hair on his head and pulls it off. I nearly see a tear. “I’m living, I’m good.”


“I’m glad,” I pause, “Randy,” I smile. He does too. “So what’s life been like?”


“Weird,” he chuckles, “I mean I feel like my chest got lighter, both from taking off the fake boobs and letting my secret loose. It was turning into a burden,” He scoffs, “It was tiring – hiding from my son, daughter, wife. I just wanna be me, y’know?” I nodded. I knew that too well.


“Are you gonna keep writing music, at least? I mean you still have plenty of fans.” He stops. “No. No, I’m not. I can't. They deserve someone better. Someone true.”


Someone true. Be someone true.

Image Via South Park

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