HL's Kitchen: part one

Art by Jarisse Nabung

Eagle Rock High School has long been a peaceful place. When you enter campus, it is as if you are stepping into a mystical garden of whimsy and joy. But do not be fooled by the school’s tranquil exterior, as the forbidden garden is riddled with snakes: feuding teachers. As of last semester, twelfth grade teachers—specifically those associated with the IB—were required to create a schedule for their student’s IAs. However, their interests clashed… schedules were destroyed, deadlines were pushed back, and friendships were annihilated. When IB coordinator Jonathan Malmed brought this issue to the attention of our principal, he saw only one solution: the only way to restore the glory of ERHS was to definitely prove that one teacher was better than all of the rest. But how? 

As it turns out, Derek Steinorth has a close friend who has volunteered to help out. Gordon Ramsay, famous for his various contributions to food related media, has blessed our campus with his aid. He has generously transformed our cafeteria into a five star kitchen battleground where teachers will put their skills to the test. In addition, he has cleared out the bungalows to serve as living quarters for the teachers as they participate in what Steinorth has deemed “HL’s Kitchen.” 

The competition will consist of the eight warring IB teachers, of which will compete in two rounds. Unlike Ramsay’s usual series, the participants will not be working in teams. Though he tried to divide them into a red and blue faction, they simply would not comply with his demands. The teachers were simply too angry about the IAs to cooperate with one another. Steinorth was so concerned, in fact, that he required Mr. Malmed to participate in the competition as a mediator. But was Malmed truly unbiased? Let’s let his performance decide. 

Below is a list of the belligerent faculty members, their signature dishes, and how they were scored by Gordon Ramsay: 

Mr. Birkhead 

Background: 

Mr. Birkhead hails from Texas, a place where the smell of barbecue wafts through the air like pollen in the spring. As a child, he was trained in the fine art of smoking meats, a skill that he has refined since he began his teaching career in LA. When it comes to the showdown, his want of victory is fueled by more than simply proving his aptness as a chef. For Mr. Birkhead, it's about family. Losing here would cast shame on the Birkhead family name, forever tarnishing the reputation of his wife and daughter. Mr. Birkhead would sooner die than be defeated by his coworkers. 

Signature dish: 

The Birkhead family is famous for their home smoked meats. So, when he entered HL’s Kitchen, Mr. Birkhead opted to play it safe. He stayed true to himself, and within the 45 minute time limit, he was able to prepare the finest rack of ribs that money could buy. It was so easy for him, in fact, that he had an extra twenty minutes while the meat cooked through. At this point, Birkhead got adventurous. Rather than make some collared greens or mashed potatoes, he opted for nuance, resulting in a side of mac n’ cheese to go with his signature pork ribs. 

Moment of truth: 

When Gordon Ramsay saw the beautiful Southern delicacy that Birkhead had prepared, he couldn’t help but smile ever so slightly. It was the most perfect meat smoking that he had seen in years. It was almost as if Gordon had smoked it himself. When he took a bite, he had no major qualms. But when he took a bite of the mac n’ cheese, everything changed. 

Instantly, Gordon Ramsay knew that this was not the work of Mr. Birkhead. As he chewed slowly on the pasta, he tried to identify where he had tasted this cheesy goodness before. Then, he realized. Mr. Birkhead did not have twenty extra minutes. He had five. And in those five minutes, Mr. Birkhead did something desperate. Earlier that day, his daughter had brought Kraft mac n’ cheese to school. She did not eat it, but left it in her lunch box. Mr. Birkhead, fearful that his pork ribs were insufficient, heated up the Kraft in a panic. His nerves got the better of him, and as a result, he served Gordon Ramsay packaged food. In a fit of rage, Gordon screamed at the poor man, his eyes brimming with hate. Mr. Birkhead did not cry. He could not bring further shame onto his wife and child. Even so, he could not help but contain the single tear that ran down his cheek. He is only human, after all. 

Score: 

Birkhead’s dish originally scored a 4/5 by Gordon’s standards. However, the Kraft incident bumped him down to a measly 1. Gordon would’ve had him disqualified if not for the quality of his pork ribs, which were exceptional. 

Ms. Clark

Background: 

Ms. Clark is a Los Angeles local who appreciates nuance in her literature. When it comes to her work in the kitchen, similar principles apply. When she cooks, she is not thinking about the immediate flavor of her dish. She is thinking about the after taste, the texture, how the actual process of cooking influences the final product. With dozens of student essays to grade, Ms. Clark has had little time to engage in her hobbies. She has been unable to commune with Ms. Ortiz, whose resulting loneliness has led her to the incessant stalking of American writer Sandra Cisneros. Just last week, Ms. Clark had to support Ms. Ortiz in a lawsuit pertaining to this very issue. It is for this reason that Ms. Clark has decided to enter the showdown. If she could secure victory, she could gain more autonomy over the IA schedule. She would have less papers to grade, and could thus prevent Ms. Ortiz from getting into further legal trouble. 

Signature dish: 

Ms. Clark is an experienced chef with several dishes in her arsenal. When she entered HL’s kitchen, she was faced with the challenge of only picking one. Using her experience in character analysis, she stared intently at Gordon: what would this man want to see most on his plate? She then turned her eyes to her opponents. All of them were making pretty standard dishes, and it was likely that making something with a more complex flavor would set her apart. In order to wow Gordon, Ms. Clark was going to invoke an old family recipe: herb cookies with a subtle hint of lemon. 

Moment of truth:

The time limit was difficult for Ms. Clark. She was used to having several hours to prepare her cookies, and would often take advantage of this generous window. In order to ensure that her dish was the optimal temperature, texture, and flavor, she had to make sure that the cooking process was seamless: every nuance had to be accounted for. Furthermore, she felt obliged to taste test the cookie dough frequently. When she baked, she was constantly occupied by the fear that her cookies would not tie back to her statement as a chef. Her cookies had two minutes left in the oven when time was called. She had to take them out early. 

When Gordon tasted the cookies, he could tell that they were slightly underdone. Even so, the texture of the cookies was not entirely compromised. But something was still off. Clark had opted for a flavor profile with a lot of complexity, and Gordon was not sure if she had achieved the full vision of this herby goodness. The cookies were good, but Gordon looked at Clark with solemn eyes. “They are very skillfully made,” he said, “but the flavor is still on ideation level.” 

Score:

Ms. Clark’s cookies were good, but not nuanced enough to achieve a 5. For Gordon, the dish was on the borderline between a 3 and a 4. If they had been able to bake for 2 more minutes, it would have been enough to lock them into a 4. However, this was not the case, and they ended up with a 3. It’s funny: Ms. Clark’s want for a nuanced flavor, her very motivation to cook, was her Achilles heel. 

Ms. Malec

Background:

Ms. Malec is an Eagle Rock mom with two kids. On top of being a biology teacher, she is also the ERHS testing coordinator. With iReady season up and running, she has been forced to balance the Biology IA with her duties as an iReady enforcement entity. In recent months, she has lived for the hunt. Be it her IB students or iReady evacuees, few students have been able to escape her grasp. But few is not zero. For Ms. Malec, victory is not about honor. It is about gaining tighter control over her IB students. This way, she can return home to her beautiful family without the hunt—the students that she may never track down—haunting her dreams. 

Signature dish: 

Ms. Malec is a runner, and to fuel her hunt for iReady refugees, it is imperative that she indulge in a balanced breakfast. She is used to making carb-centric breakfasts for her runs, and figured that keeping it simple would win Gordon’s favor. If she made something she was used to making, she was less apt to make a mistake. Therefore, it was only natural that she selected her favorite dish: the Malec original caramel macchiato overnight oats. 

Moment of truth:

When Ms. Malec chose her dish, one important thing slipped her mind. Overnight oats needed to soak overnight, and she only had 45 minutes. It was too late, however, for Ms. Malec to change her mind. Biologically, dry and soaked oats are the same. Therefore, it must not be that big of a deal to eat raw versus processed oats. If she added enough caramel, Gordon probably wouldn’t notice, right? 

Wrong. Ms. Malec’s dish was a sticky, soupy mess. It was a mound of caramel with dry oats sprinkled haphazardly on top. Gordon had no idea what he was looking at, and he gave Ms. Malec a pitiful stare. “I am not eating this,” he told her. But Ms. Malec begged him to reconsider, showing him pictures of her baby, reminding him of what she was fighting for. “Please,” she begged. “I want to look upon my son without being haunted by the ghost of iReady past.” 

Gordon understood what it was like to have his victims flee, and did Malec the courtesy of trying her “oats.” He gagged. 

Score:

This dish was a one. There is not more to be said. 

Mr. Malmed

Background:

Mr. Malmed’s heart was not in the competition. He was only there as a favor to Mr. Steinorth, and really did not care about having more autonomy over the IA schedule. He was the IA schedule. Even so, he did his due diligence and put his full effort into the competition. Maybe, in the odd chance that he secured victory, he could get some leverage over his belligerent faculty. Plus, if he was going to blend in as a mediator, he had to at least pretend that he was interested in winning. Steinorth did not want any of the teachers catching on to his bug. 

Signature dish: 

Mr. Malmed had the perfect plan. For years, he had been perfecting his recipe for spaghetti. He and his wife would spend evenings cooking together, and over the years, Mr. Malmed had learned to make the dish relatively quickly. It was going to be perfect. The simplicity would be charming, and the flavor would be just rich enough to coax Gordon into giving him at least a three. It didn’t have to be perfect, it just had to be better than Ms. Malec’s caramel oat blob. 

Moment of truth:

When the time came for Mr. Malmed to present his dish to Gordon Ramsay, disaster struck. He had overslept his alarm, and when he arrived in the kitchen, he had three minutes to throw something together. The spaghetti wasn’t going to happen. Malmed didn’t know what was going to happen. He just did what he did every morning and made himself a cup of plain black coffee. When he served it to Gordon, he got a judgemental glare. He parted his lips, then shook his head and decided not to speak. He took a slow sip of the coffee. A moment of silence. 

Then, his eyes sparkled. He had entered the gates of nirvana. It was the most perfect cup of coffee that he had ever tasted, and he was so enamoured with the flavor, he slammed the rest of the mug in an instant. “Mr Malmed,” he said. “I think I am in love with you.” 

Score: 

5/5. No comments, no qualms. Perfection. 

Round one overview: 

A lot of hearts were broken at the Rock during round one of HL’s Kitchen. Each in their own way, the teachers processed the events of Gordon’s carnage. Mr. Birkhead internalized his shame, pondering how he would communicate his transgressions to his young daughter. Ms. Clark, less devastated by loss than by her inner critic, was haunted by the words “ideation level.” Malec, rather than chew on the grit of defeat, channeled her emotions into tightening the pursuit of iReady defectors. 

Mr. Malmed, though he was the champion of round one, felt more fear than he did triumph. Steinorth never meant for him to win, just to do well enough to stay in the game. His victory implied that he had ulterior motives in joining the competition, thus placing a target on his head. Hopefully, for the good of Eagle Rock High School, someone in round two will overtake him. Otherwise, the IA schedule will remain as is, and the school will forever be cursed by the wrath of the IB war.