Updated: Jan 13
Activision has officially announced their plans to start seven new wars around the world to make more Call of Duty games. “We are very excited about this,” says the CEO of Activision, Bobb Kotick, “This is a very expensive project, but hopefully in about fifty years everyone will forget about all the bloodshed then buy our game.”
To say fans of the franchise were ecstatic would be an understatement. “This is incredible! If one of these wars happens any time soon, I could get enlist then play the game and relive all the traumatic experiences!” Says James Smithson; speaking on behalf of the Call of Duty fanbase.
We here at the Eagle’s Scream have also attained the list of wars that will be starting soon:
Giving a random person the missile codes and “Seeing what happens”
Bringing back the Soviet Union
Randomly assassinating a world leader chosen by whoever draws the shortest straw
WWI: Round 2
Needless to say, I am very excited for these to come out. however, some people like Sam Ashton, “I’d rather not die, I’m already afraid because I called BTS just ‘OK’. And, besides, I got my death planned out already: I’m going to cover myself in peanuts and ‘fall’ into an elephant enclosure. I don’t want that to be ruined by a bullet, bomb, tripping, etc.”
Sam isn’t the only one against this plan. Many are saying they “fear for their lives” and “Don’t want to die,” but come on, you don’t want to possibly sacrifice yourself even if it makes the game developers even richer? Or so that 12-year-olds can yell at you “You’re trash,” and “[REDACTED] you, you [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]ing [REDACTED]” just because you can’t tell the difference between a tree and a human? Hasn’t happened to me, so I think it’s a good trade-off.
Bob Kotick came out with a statement today assuring citizens of the world that they have everything under control: “We have planned out all of your deaths in a cinematic way that will both underdeliver in story, and will leave you incredibly confused and wishing you didn’t sink $60 into this, just like a classic Call of Duty game. I mean, just look at our competitors: EA would probably make you pay for your own death and Blizzard is in the middle of that sexual harassment scandal. Wait, Blizzard is Activision? Oh, well then, got to go.
Overall, I think these will be great additions to the franchise. Even if I will probably die before they come out, I hope the people of the future can learn about my eventual hardships and my inevitable death. Maybe, if I die heroically, or become a traitor, I can be unlocked as a playable character! My only wish is that whenever my grandchildren burn someone alive, stab someone to death, or viciously kill someone, they think of me.