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Art appraiser set to visit ERHS bathrooms

Art by Dawn Malliagh

After months of reaching out, the artists of Eagle Rock High School are finally getting a voice. An art appraiser has been accepted to visit ERHS after 12 rejected proposals. Steinorth, after mistakenly walking into the girl’s restroom, was mind boggled by the graffiti adorning the walls. Moments later, correcting his mistake, he walked into the men’s restroom and was once again taken aback by the equal amounts of black Sharpie-decor.

After that moment he was determined to give the artists of this school propper recognition (or for money or something). It’s been a long battle to get the Boston Arts Legion of the Lower State (BALLS) to accept the request for an appraisal of the High School bathroom, but it seems his dreams have finally come to fruition.

Within the coming month, art appraiser, Charles Johntry, will be visiting the school and inspecting both the boys and girls Cafeteria bathrooms. Although, Steinorth is in the process of attempting to up the deal to the Northern Gym bathrooms as well.

Charles Johntry is a scholar from the Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts in Copenhagen, Denmark. Johntry apprenticed under Da Vinci’s ghost, and was the first man to ever professionally value the Mona Lisa at $1.72 (perhaps in spite of his deceased mentor). It's safe to say that he’s a huge figurehead in the art appraisal world and scores all the art chicks.

Johntry was hesitant along with the entire BALLS association, but from what many speculate to be a clerical error leading to a mistaken sign-on to one of many of Steinorth’s applications, and a series of vague legal threats, BALLS will be sending Johntry over with much “indignation”. Yikes, fancy words, now you know it’s serious...

Art and Estimates

The pieces on display are said to be the best in the bathroom’s history and I feel inclined to believe it. After carefully viewing and inspecting the works, I must say, I was blown away. I think that Johntry may be in for a surprise. Without further ado… Eagle Rock’s masterpieces:

“The Chart” by unknown

Medium: black thick-tipped sharpie and ballpoint pen

Canvas: plastic bathroom door

Now with each artist being anonymous due to the nature of their work, we may never know what these visual creators mean by their pieces. But, I’d like to offer some insight into public speculation on the meaning of each work. For example: “The Chart” has been said to represent the multifaceted nature of human beings. How our desires are ideal when in equilibrium. Desires can be of pleasure, heath, or cleanliness, as represented in this work in particular. The singularity of the markings brings attention to the artist’s found balance as an exemplary status. However, the emptiness of the columns implies that there is a disregard for these aspects in our own lives or an incapability of the general populace to find that aforementioned equilibrium. Interpretations can be endless.

Current estimate valued at: 87 thousand USD ($87,000)

“A Stand” by unknown

Medium: red marker

Canvas: metallic toilet paper dispenser

While this message rings a little more absurd, there is definitely some deeper commentary in their words. What may seem like a deranged desire actually stands to call out how the modern day bathroom, the canvas of this work, does not function as efficiently for women as it does for men. The fast paced “in and out” function of the trough or private urinal is neglected with women’s bathrooms. Many believe the artist wishes to call out the obvious inconsiderate design that our predecessors have made the norm and call for change to prevent the inequitably long lines women experience in comparison to their male counterparts.

Current estimate valued at: 130 thousand USD ($130,000)

“Modern Intimacy” by unknown

Medium: thin-tipped black Sharpie

Canvas: white bathroom wall tile

Unfortunately, due to the woke liberal media I have been made to censor this piece as it has been deemed as “too crude” for a school publication. Personally, I don’t see it. Moving on though, this piece is a wonderful example of the spectacle modern media has turned love into. Unfortunately the average viewer will never be able to see, but the genitalia and other intimate details on the characters is incredibly detailed, almost textbook exact, a very clear contrast from the noticeably simplistic caricatures. This juxtaposition really emphasizes how modern man and woman are devalued aside from the parts of their bodies that serve others. It could also be a call-out on the perversion in our society, reflecting how the artist either has been conditioned to see their peers or how they have seen those around them look at themselves and others. Moving commentary.

Current estimate valued at: 2.1 million USD ($2,100,000)

“ZUCK/SUCK” by unknown (speculated to be Mark Zuckerburg)

Medium: dark blue sharpie

Canvas: bathroom stall wall

This is the most controversial listing by far. While the other pieces are completely anonymous as of now, this piece has come to be associated with billionaire CEO, Mark Zuckerburg due to the piece (a tag; usually someone/something’s name) resembling his nickname. What sparked this discourse and theory? The tag, like many others, is open for interpretation. Some letters may look like other letters, numbers like letters, letters like digits, etc. It’s all in the way you see it. Team “Suck” argues that there are far too many internationally drawn lines within the so-called “Z” for it to actually be the theorized letter. They also argue that “suck” is an actual word whereas “zuck” is entirely made up, they use this logic to counter the “Zuck” allegations. However team “Zuck '', argues that the Z was deliberately drawn in such a way because of stylistic preferences and that the artist knew that the general population would understand that the way the letter faces would make it obviously a “Z”. Whatever it may be, centrists to the debate claim that this whole argument is a meta commentary on the frail egos of the people in our society who refuse to be incorrect and prefer to argue in a losing battle at all times. They claim the division that this piece has caused is the real truth behind it. It is worth noting that an original piece by Mark Zuckerburg would hypothetically be valued far higher as reflected in our estimates (see below).

(anonymous) Current estimate valued at: 126 thousand USD ($126,000)

(Zuckerburg) Current estimate valued at: 46 billion USD ($46,000,000,000)

Closing Remarks

This process has been “tedious” to say the least and we are very happy to see our brave leader at a career high. So, Charles Johntry, Eagle Rock patiently awaits your arrival.

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1 Comment

Vivienne Freeman
Vivienne Freeman
Nov 16, 2022

wow whoever made that picture of the women "desere" urinals must be a real goober to not be able to catch that clear spelling error. that person must be real silly but still nonetheless extremely attractive and funny and smart.

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