Updated: Jan 26
Can you hear it? The screams of children, the cries of old ladies struggling to lock their doors and seal their windows tight, the gorging out of eyeballs by those dangerous, inhumane creatures...
Sure, you’ve seen them in the movies, where they’re portrayed as slow, mutated, and mutilated corpses who rise from their graves to haunt the living; the monsters that walk around, eyes clouded, droning “brains” out of their immense hunger. No. What’s coming is the REAL deal. We’re talkin World War Z sporadic predators. Those Train to Busan Korean zombies whose bones crack with every movement. The type that run like untamed wild dogs who haven’t had a meal since ‘99.
You might be asking, how do I know the apocalypse is coming? To that, I respond, how do you NOT know? Are you even familiar with the French astrologer Nostradamus?
His predictions are infamous: the Apollo 11 landing, JFK’s assassination, 9/11, and World War II, all of which have come true. Among these scarily accurate prophecies is the soon-to-be zombie apocalypse, sparked by the creation of a biological weapon made by none other than the Russians. From this biological weapon, there will ensue a new virus, capable of bringing the dead back to life.
These predictions didn’t just come from the nonsensical utterances of a crazy man. No, these are Nostradamus’ own prophecies. All of his other predictions have come true, so why should we expect this one to be any different? Then there’s that one Simpsons episode too, and we all know that the Simpsons similarly has a knack for predicting the future.
So what does this mean? The apocalypse is coming, and the truth of the matter is that if you are not prepared, YOU WILL DIE. These zombies that are coming are no joke. I strongly urge you to prepare, just as I have done:
The first step of my preparation: MILITARY TIME
If it’s the end of the world, you have to know military time. It’s the only thing that anyone will be using. At one crucial moment, subtracting those 12 hours just to translate the time for your tiny little brain could cost you your life. I set my phone’s time to military mode last year, and today, I can proudly say that I am quite the professional at reading it. Ask me the time and I’ll deliver in a second; that’s how good I am.
The second step: GAINING THE POUNDS
If you have been fortunate enough to bump into me in person recently, you may have noticed that I gained a few. No, this isn’t because I’ve been eating too much as a result of my immeasurable stress and sadness. The extra pounds are intentional-- the more I gain, the longer I can go without food. This will be important since everyone will be stampeding the stores, trying to fill their shelves in last-minute preparation for the coming years of terror. By then, every store will be engulfed by zombies, and it will be too late for all of you. Not for me though, because I’ll have the lipids.
The third step: PRACTICING CARDIO
As you’ll see demonstrated by my brother in the video above, cardio is important. Running away from zombies is no easy task, and if you want to survive the apocalypse, you have to know how to run. I would recommend practicing in secluded, rugged-ground areas with lots of sticks and leaves. You’ll need to know how to dodge the debris and navigate the worn-down streets of the ruined city. The shot of my brother running was taken at Descanso Gardens, which is a pretty great area to practice. Just try not to creep out the elderly people trying to enjoy their morning strolls-- they don’t get it.
The fourth step of my preparation: BUY A BOAT
Finally, the last step to ensure your survival in this damned apocalypse is a given: to buy a boat. This particular model is my dad’s CAL39, the perfect boat for zombie survival. It has a mini-kitchen, a bathroom, two sofas with coffee tables, two massive beds, and everything else you would want in a boat during the apocalypse. Using it, I can store food, water, valuable items, and all the rest. With everything secured, I’ll be able to sail away from the mainland and say goodbye to all you suckers! The logic is simple: no zombies can reach me if I’m in the middle of the pacific ocean. That is unless they can swim, at which point I am then screwed.
There are a multitude more steps of preparedness you can take for the apocalypse, but I find these four to be the most essential. I know what you might be thinking. I’m crazy, right? The zombie apocalypse? Not gonna happen. You just keep telling yourself that. On my behalf, this is a kind gesture! I’m just trying to make sure that none of you end up rotting, flesh-eating corpses in the near future. Instead, we can prosper together as survivors! So take my advice or don’t, but when those monsters are tearing at your flesh and banging on your doors, let this be your last thought: I told you so.