HL’s Kitchen part two: cook or be cooked

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Will Eagle Rock High School rise like a phoenix from the slime of the IB war, or shall we continue to be torn apart? After the last round of HL’s Kitchen, the treachery of the IA schedule has continued to prosper. Mr. Malmed, currently on top of the leaderboard, has taken the liberty of extending the infamous “Malmed’s list” to all students at the Rock, not just the IB cohort. 100% IA completion no longer means every student in the IB, but every student to ever live and breath on our good green Earth. 

Malmed’s victory has made him overzealous, and Gordon Ramsay has been forced to return to the ERHS campus once again. It is now time for round two of HL’s Kitchen, and for the good of the people, let us hope that a new champion is made. 

1. Mr. Martinez 

Background:

Mr. Martinez is a lover of music, dance, and creative expression. He has a deep appreciation for film, and in his IB Psychology class, he emphasizes the importance of film in helping us understand our own behavior. However, there is one movie that he loves a smidge more than others. Well—smidge, astronomical unit—same thing. Since watching Chris Eyre’s “Smoke Signals,” Mr. Martinez has been surfing the internet for a LARP-ing community that is dedicated to reenacting the events of the film. He has found some success, has purchased a $500 cosplay of the protagonist, and has paid for round-trip travel to the shooting location of the film. However, there is one major problem: he has to grade IAs. If he does not secure victory here, his trip—as well as his expensive cosplay—will have been a substantial waste of money. More importantly, he will be leaving his fellow “Smoke Signals” LARP-ers high and dry, a community that can forgive but never forget. 

Signature dish:

In preparation for his LARP-ing journey, Mr. Martinez has mastered the art of making Indian fry bread, a prominent dish in his favorite movie. For six months, he has been locking himself in the kitchen after school, searching far and wide for the secret ingredient to the perfect bread. He is convinced that it is a delicacy, but is anxious because—unfortunately for him—the “Smoke Signals” fan base is very particular about film accuracy. It has to be flawless, and if Gordon signs off, then he would have full confidence in presenting his dish to the “Smoke Signals” role play community.

Moment of truth:

Forty five minutes was no problem for Mr. Martinez when it came to cooking. For presentation, however, it was a time crunch. In a desire to impress Gordon using an improvised dance number, Mr. Martinez spent a significant amount of time clearing the area of appliances. His worst fear as a dancer was tripping. However, Mr. Martinez made a fatal flaw: he scrubbed the floors, and they became slippery. When he danced his way towards Gordon Ramsay, who was smiling and chuckling to himself, Mr. Martinez slipped and fell. The frybread was scattered ` across the floor, and Gordon was appalled by Martinez’s invocation of the “five second rule.” 

Score: 

Unfortunately for Mr. Martinez, his frybread was never tasted. As a result, he received a disqualification from the competition. 

2. Ms. Petkova 

Background:

When you enter Ms. Petkova’s room, you are filled with a sense of pure enchantment and wonder. One foot in the door, and suddenly you are in France! Except, in Ms. Petkova’s eyes, there has always been one thing missing from her European wonderland: the wonderful scent of roasting snails. Unable to find an escargot scented candle, Ms. Petkova has been collecting snails from the quad to microwave. Her students were overjoyed to have this final element of French-ness fall into place. However, in her snail collecting journey, Ms. Petkova has not had time to listen to her student’s oral exams. To meet Malmed’s current IA deadline, she would have to listen to all of her student’s exams in one day! For her, it is imperative that this deadline be moved. This would both ease her stress and allow her to expand her snail exploits. Ms Petkova’s ultimate goal is to establish her own snail breedery within the ERHS horticulture garden, and this feat would most certainly eat up her calendar. 

Signature dish:

Ms. Petkova microwaves snails for the sole reason of making her classroom smell more French. She does not actually know how to make escargot. However, for obvious reasons, she felt obliged to give it a fair shot. Ms. Petkova’s culinary choice, though not guided by finite logic, ended up being quite wise. Escargot takes 10-12 minutes to bake, and the recipe for making the snail mixture is relatively simple. How the dish tasted, however, was a completely different story. 

Moment of truth:

Gordon Ramsay was naturally perplexed by the concept of escargot being prepared in the school cafeteria. He eyed the dish skeptically before tasting it, poking at the gooey snails with the end of his fork. It took him a minute to muster the courage to put Petkova’s concoction in his mouth. When he took the first bite, he nearly turned green. He spat the snails on the floor. 

“What kind of snails did you use…?!” He yelled, searching for his water bottle. Ms. Petkova explained that she found her ingredients here on the quad: snails, seasonings, and all. Gordon looked at her in horror, then looked at his shaking hands, then threw up. 

Score: 

In all honesty, the taste of the dish was not as bad as it could have been. It was simply suspicious. However, Gordon is very particular about where ingredients come from. Even though the snails were sourced locally, they were found on the dirty quad of a public high school. The germs were enough to kill a fully grown cow. 1/5.

3. Mr. Zerfu 

Background:

Mr. Zerfu is nature’s greatest enigma. What he does beyond school hours is one of the world’s most profound mysteries. The only peek that students have into his personal life is his classroom decor, which for the most part, is very plain. There is one piece of decor, however, that is different: a mosaic of the Thai flag. What does it mean? Where does it come from? What is the nature of Mr. Zerfu’s alleged relationship with Thailand? We do not know, but it is all that we have. It is our only clue. We don’t know why Mr. Zerfu entered HL’s kitchen, but we do know this: he sure as hell is cooking Thai food. 

Signature dish:

Mr. Zerfu’s performance was like clockwork. Unlike his competitors, he put zero thought into

what he was going to do. His hands were guided by some divine force, perfectly assembling a dish that hit every mark: it was quick, memorable, and simple. Yet at the same time, it was something that can only be perfected by a talented hand. Mr. Zerfu glided like an angel from one end of the cafeteria to the other, seamlessly assembling the most beautiful Pad Thai you could imagine. There were no thoughts in his head. He was not guided by malintent, nor was he motivated by a need to prove himself. Mr. Zerfu was cooking for the sake of art. 

Moment of truth:

Zerfu’s Pad Thai was not much to look at. He had plated it in a cafeteria tray, a plastic spork placed haphazardly on top. Gordon crinkled his nose, still recovering from Petkova’s escargot, and braced himself for the first bite. He chewed for a moment, eyes fixed cautiously on his lap. Then, he raised his head, a single tear tracing his cheek. He looked to Mr. Zerfu, then to the sky. “Before,” he said, “I was unsure that God existed…but you,” he gazed deeply into Mr. Zerfu’s eyes. “You have proven that there is at least divinity!”

Score: 

Mr. Zerfu’s Pad Thai broke the grading scale. Never before had Gordon Ramsay found himself asking for seconds, yet here he was. There was no question that Mr. Zerfu was the winner of this contest, even if his score was too perfect to be quantified. 

Conclusion: 

With Mr. Zerfu on top of the standings, we are unsure as to how the IA schedule will change. But, regardless of Zerfu’s intentions, the world is glad to be free of the clutches of a Malmed driven society. Soon we pray for an era of peace at the Rock, and in the eyes of Mr. Steinorth, Mr. Zerfu is the most qualified to herald us into this new era. 

Hearts were broken, prides destroyed…but at the end of the day, the best chef came out on top. In addressing any issue of societal caliber, isn’t that what matters most? Let’s cook.