My dog, Chinni, told me, while we were sitting down for tea the other day, that there are indeed a number of things on her Christmas wishlist. At this, I was surprised. She had only ever shown interest in making shoes magically disappear and constantly begging us to throw the ball for her, but apparently, she has her little eyes set on a list of things that one, is a little bit weird, and two, maybe a bit concerning. So, I decided to dive deeper into her greatest desires and share my findings here on the Eagle’s Scream, so perhaps you too can grant your dog's wishes.
#1: A fingerprint-finding kit
No, my dog is not a super spy like Perry the Platypus. (I think.) Although she does have a need for finding fingerprints, so she can catch the thief who keeps stealing her bones and putting them somewhere else. In our house, the whining, growling, and pacing that happens over the anxiety of a bone is called CBA (Chinni Bone Anxiety) and I have concluded, after talking to her, that it is because there is a bone thief around somewhere who needs to be caught. So far, my dog’s attempts at catching this hooligan have been unsuccessful. First, she tried tirelessly barking at nothing to scare them away, but to no avail. Then, she tried to set a trap on the bone but accidentally set it off herself because she couldn’t resist. Finally, she tried setting the bone on the floor and watching it from around the corner to see if anyone would come to take it, but the only person that touched it was my mom, who was putting it back into Chinni’s toy box. After all this, she told me that her only hope is that when her bone gets stolen and put somewhere random again, she could dust off the fingerprints, and finally catch her thief.
#2: A stool
As any good guard dog (she says) should do, she needs to be able to see out the window to bark at any unsuspecting passerby who dares come into our sacred territory. Being the big, intimidating beast she is (she’s a mini schnauzer who is 15 pounds.) she needs adequate materials to defend us. She please asks that you don’t get within ten feet of the house to give her this gift. Just leave it on the street and she will get it when she is chasing the squirrels. Additionally, she would like the stool to be cushioned and be able to be raised up and down for surveillance purposes. She says thank you for helping her watch out for the neighborhood, and please stay away from the Koppula home.
#3: A key to the closet under the sink
There is no key to the closet under the sink. Chinni just can’t get it open because she doesn’t have hands. Don’t tell her that. Anyway, it has come to my attention that much is to be desired in that closet. Treats, yes. Bones, yes. Tennis balls, yes. But, there is something else….something that doesn’t want to reveal itself. All of her favorite things must be kept in this closet for a reason. There MUST be something special. If she could just find a way to get it open, her curiosity would be satisfied. Doing this will prove difficult and time-consuming though, and so there must be a better way to go about it. Maybe she will bribe you into opening it for you. Maybe she will threaten you. Maybe she will beg you. I guarantee you that wherever you interact with her, she is manipulating you. I guess all I’m saying is, watch out. And don’t open the closet under the sink.
#4: A typewriter
We all have friends in faraway places. Chinni has more friends than you do. Everyone likes her! The crickets in the backyard, the mouse that comes into our grapefruit tree at night, some of the squirrels (most of them hate her, but they have a truce), Sniffer (the other schnauzer who lives on our street), and the random dogs that she barks at for hours and hours. Because of this, it is of the utmost importance that she keeps her relationships with these creatures, or she could be left with no allies the next time her truce with the squirrels ends. I asked her why she must need a typewriter, though. Why not a computer or something to send emails with?
Her response was vague, but it was something about not liking the way the keys feel on her paws. I am still left with many questions; how is she getting these letters to their receiver? What is so important to be writing about? What are they planning? I am scared of an uprising of animals on our block. Finding a typewriter may be the least of my concerns.
# 5: A driver's license
Ahem. Attention, please. Don’t skip this one. I am under obligation to tell you that dogs don’t get nearly the amount of rights that humans do. They work just as hard as us and get no privileges. They don’t get to go out by themselves, they don’t get to make their own decisions, and most importantly, they are not able to drive. I am under no influence of any sort to be delivering this message to you, I just wanted to address my concerns. *Cough cough* but while we are on the subject, is there anyone reading this who has a background in faking I.Ds? Why? No reason. I was just wondering...but if there is someone, could you please message me? Thank you.
#6: The Snitch
Guess what. I took the Pottermore test for her, and she is very definitively a Ravenclaw. I told her about this and her only response was that the only reason she would go to Hogwarts would be to try out for the Quidditch team to be the seeker.
I asked her why, and she told me (in the most excited tone, may I add) that “Imagine being able to chase a ball that never stops rolling??” I would like to give you some context. Every second, every minute, every hour, every DAY, she is obsessed with the ball. When someone is throwing it for her, she is in bliss. In heaven. And when someone is not, she is begging them to. We can’t spend every moment of our time throwing the ball for her, of course, so she is often let down by our poor participation. Her solution is to leave us forever to chase the Snitch in peace. Don’t tell her this, but I can’t let her leave, so I told her that I would find some way to bring the Snitch to her. Help me.
#7: A book about guinea pigs
Oreo is the little black-and-white ball of fluff that is our guinea pig. In Chinni’s eyes though? He is a mystery. WHY does he sit munching on hay all day? WHY does he make those squeaking sounds? WHY isn’t he scared of her? WHY is he so fat? She needs these questions answered. And he doesn’t care to even look at her. Additionally, she expressed her concerns about how every time he is taken out of his cage, all of the love and pets go to him and not her, and she SWEARS that she saw him smirk at her once. He is a tyrant of unmatched power and skill, and if she can outsmart him, and learn his weaknesses, then maybe, just maybe, she has a chance at regaining her honor.
#8: A fabric shredder
Why you may ask, does a dog have any use for a fabric shredder? For one reason and one reason only. The menace, the bane of her life, the one thing that she wishes death upon. Her harness. Chinni has made herself very clear that the harness takes away from her dignity and pride, but my mother is very clear that Chinni is a squirrel addict and will slip out of her collar in a split second and sprint across the street, much to the squirrel's dismay. Multiple attempts have been made to destroy this evil contraption, but alas, it was too strong. In the end, she has decided that she will run away from it no longer, and take matters into her own hands. (Ps. she is scared of the sound that the shredder makes so someone please do it for her.)
Honestly, this one is pretty simple. Ever since she has been a puppy, she has never been genuinely motivated by food, but again, since forever, cheese has been the love of her life. Have to give her a bath? Bribe her with cheese. Have to brush her teeth? Cheese. Vet trip? She will be distracted the entire way by guess what? Cheese. Once, we took her to a cheese shop down the street from our house, Milkfarm, but she wasn’t allowed inside so I waited with her. She would not stop complaining the entire time, begging me to let her inside. Of course, I wouldn’t violate the store's rules, but ohhh her pleas were ones of pure longing. Ever since then, her fascination with this wonder of food has only grown. So I beg of you, for the sanity and peace of everyone, please send her some cheese.
#10: To have a good first Christmas
Even though this is Chinni’s first Christmas with us and her first Christmas ever, she wants to experience it to the fullest. (Even though she's not exactly sure what it’s about yet.) This is a time to be holly, jolly, and cheesy, and a time to do all the things you love with all the people you love. So from Chinni to you, Merry Christmas!!!