My dog, Chinni, told me, while we were sitting down for tea the other day, that there are indeed a number of things on her Christmas wishlist. At this, I was surprised. She had only ever shown interest in making shoes magically disappear and constantly begging us to throw the ball for her, but apparently, she has her little eyes set on a list of things that one, is a little bit weird, and two, maybe a bit concerning. So, I decided to dive deeper into her greatest desires and share my findings here on the Eagle’s Scream, so perhaps you too can grant your dog's wishes.
#1: A fingerprint-finding kit
No, my dog is not a super spy like Perry the Platypus. (I think.) Although she does have a need for finding fingerprints, so she can catch the thief who keeps stealing her bones and putting them somewhere else. In our house, the whining, growling, and pacing that happens over the anxiety of a bone is called CBA (Chinni Bone Anxiety) and I have concluded, after talking to her, that it is because there is a bone thief around somewhere who needs to be caught. So far, my dog’s attempts at catching this hooligan have been unsuccessful. First, she tried tirelessly barking at nothing to scare them away, but to no avail. Then, she tried to set a trap on the bone but accidentally set it off herself because she couldn’t resist. Finally, she tried setting the bone on the floor and watching it from around the corner to see if anyone would come to take it, but the only person that touched it was my mom, who was putting it back into Chinni’s toy box. After all this, she told me that her only hope is that when her bone gets stolen and put somewhere random again, she could dust off the fingerprints, and finally catch her thief.
#2: A stool
As any good guard dog (she says) should do, she needs to be able to see out the window to bark at any unsuspecting passerby who dares come into our sacred territory. Being the big, intimidating beast she is (she’s a mini schnauzer who is 15 pounds.) she needs adequate materials to defend us. She please asks that you don’t get within ten feet of the house to give her this gift. Just leave it on the street and she will get it when she is chasing the squirrels. Additionally, she would like the stool to be cushioned and be able to be raised up and down for surveillance purposes. She says thank you for helping her watch out for the neighborhood, and please stay away from the Koppula home.
#3: A key to the closet under the sink
There is no key to the closet under the sink. Chinni just can’t get it open because she doesn’t have hands. Don’t tell her that. Anyway, it has come to my attention that much is to be desired in that closet. Treats, yes. Bones, yes. Tennis balls, yes. But, there is something else….something that doesn’t want to reveal itself. All of her favorite things must be kept in this closet for a reason. There MUST be something special. If she could just find a way to get it open, her curiosity would be satisfied. Doing this will prove difficult and time-consuming though, and so there must be a better way to go about it. Maybe she will bribe you into opening it for you. Maybe she will threaten you. Maybe she will beg you. I guarantee you that wherever you interact with her, she is manipulating you. I guess all I’m saying is, watch out. And don’t open the closet under the sink.
#4: A typewriter
We all have friends in faraway places. Chinni has more friends than you do. Everyone likes her! The crickets in the backyard, the mouse that comes into our grapefruit tree at night, some of the squirrels (most of them hate her, but they have a truce), Sniffer (the other schnauzer who lives on our street), and the random dogs that she barks at for hours and hours. Because of this, it is of the utmost importance that she keeps her relationships with these creatures, or she could be left with no allies the next time her truce with the squirrels ends. I asked her why she must need a typewriter, though. Why not a computer or something to send emails with?
Her response was vague, but it was something about not liking the way the keys feel on her paws. I am still left with many questions; how is she getting these letters to their receiver? What is so important to be writing about? What are they planning? I am scared of an uprising of animals on our block. Finding a typewriter may be the least of my concerns.