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THE BEABADOOBEE PANDEMIC


Art by Mia Walker

A few nights ago, my world fell into a shamble once again. I didn’t expect the day to come when my relationship came to an ultimate end as the result of my boyfriend falling in love with a 22-year-old woman. I broke down his bedroom door in a fit of rage and fear; his bass amplifier plugged into the wall outlet, playing a familiar sound. My heart began to ache. I did the best I could to prevent the disorder from reaching those strange lobes of his brain, though sometimes I’m certain they’re worms instead. I knew from the moment I saw his expression of lighthearted confusion following subtle laughter that I became the other woman. I’m no longer a prominent aspect in his life, rather a past mystery awaiting its return. There is a woman he’d much rather be with; soft eyes, sweet personality, the perfect manic pixie girl aesthetic— who wouldn’t want someone like her? I don’t blame him at all. The Beabadoobee pandemic is arising in its heartbreak cases and there is no vaccine.


I never realized how severe this zombie apocalypse was until I lost someone I loved. Sometimes, I stalk her Instagram profile with tears trickling down my cheek, wondering why he had to learn and perfect the bassline to her song “Talk”. I knew I should’ve gatekeeped her music, though it’s almost impossible to avoid her face when she’s a rising British artist who is also WASIAN!* It’s funny whenever this is mentioned, as I recall multiple people describing their overdramatic vendetta against those who are Wasian because it sometimes feels like they are ”italicized“ Asians. Me just saying this, I feel crazy for such a tangent. Why didn’t I see the signs sooner? I’m with him almost every day, with the occasional sleepover. Clearly, I didn’t know him well enough to know who his type was and now I’m probably going to develop my own personal vendetta against Wasians, too.


*Beabadoobee isn’t actually Wasian, however people have combined her nationality with her ethnicity so much it’s become “reality”.

With my curiosity provoked, I consulted TikTok and Twitter as research for particular patterns and behavior in the strange brain disorder. It commonly starts off with the simple phrase of “celebrity crush”, with the occasional social media following and likes or the mention of the Beatopia tour, but may become a parasocial relationship in more severe cases. I was already familiar with the concept of a parasocial relationship; I spent the majority of quarantine on various Twitter fandoms who couldn’t differentiate reality from fantasy. I doubt severity would ever come to it, but I know someone who has. With the desire of wanting this prevented, I consulted my last resort: Denise Eichenauer.


Eichenauer lost her boyfriend, Trey Cruzat, a few months ago due to the pandemic and it even resulted in him getting concert tickets to see her in early November. She reportedly states it hasn’t been the same since. “I feel heartbroken and saddened because Beabadoobee is a fine ahh Filipino woman and 1) I barely qualify as Filipino, 2) I don’t look Filipino, and 3) I don’t look like her. She’s bad as hell and I know my boyfriend wants her so bad too.” the young woman said as tears began to form in her eyes. “I didn’t even see the signs beforehand either. I thought he was a casual fan but then he fell in love with her. People fall to the pandemic because, again, she’s bad as hell and everybody wants her to be honest. However, to be a victim of losing a loved one to this pandemic and experience its damaging consequences is really upsetting and I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to suffer this.”

I also communicated my interested concern to Kimberly Alcantara, close friend of Denise and Trey. “I’m very concerned with the well-being of, well, almost everyone nowadays, not just Trey. When I scroll through Instagram, I see certain people only reposting her posts on their stories saying they would do anything and everything for her; going on their knees and having her step on them. My best friend [Denise] is currently going through one of the hardest times of her life all because of Beabadoobee and I’m concerned for Trey’s mental health. He’s very obsessed with her and it has caused his relationship to fall apart. I once saw a shrine of Beabadoobee in his bathroom, hidden beneath a painting to hide it from Denise. I haven’t told her about it but I wish the best for their relationship.”


After hearing those words, I was left to conclude that the ultimate symptom of the Beabadoobee pandemic is delusion. To think that the young 22 year old woman will be your future girlfriend is a sign of being “chronically online”, another pandemic I have yet to indulge in for attempted awareness. I’ve failed to get my own significant other to open his eyes to the world beyond him. Everywhere I go, I see everyone fall to their knees. The world is coming to an end very soon. Relationships are coming to an ultimate decline and no one will ever love you. I’m very sorry.


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