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We the people, want the trolley


Art by Ket Gill

In 1906, Eagle Rock constructed a vehicle so genius, so inventive, it would go down in history. It is heard in whispers when the topic of the up-and-coming times of this fair town are mentioned. The trolley, once proudly whistling, is now silenced. But our voices aren’t.


In 1930, the capitalist machine put this trolley to its fate, seeing it as non-profitable. However, after talking with the Eagle Rock conspiracy group (Nextdoor), it is entirely possible that the trolley was shut down due to its being the real life inspiration to the infamous trolley problem! Oh, the humanity! So, what are we left with now? The median. UGH! The median! This median has undergone many changes throughout its miserable existence. It was once just a cement slab, eventually things were planted, but they kept dying. So then they finally put these drought resistant plants and flimsy trees in there. Now they propose a bus line. Unlike many freaks in this town, I’m not opposed to the bus line (public transportation rocks!). However, is this really the best solution?


They say history repeats itself, but can that not be a good thing? Would people not be happy if Mansa Musa rained gold on us now? Is Dr. Fauci not but a modern Florence Nightingale? So why, why do we fear a return to a time so sweet? At least in terms of quaint transportation.


Many have pointed out that the recent influx in new businesses has cost us the beauty and, dare I say, charm of this town. I’m looking at you M@rket Design Studios (haul your ass back to Highland Park). The installation of the Eagle Rock 5 Car (semi-good band name) could be the catch all fix, a true every bird with one stone.


However, the trolley is in many ways, a thing of the past. There are modern innovations that allow us to take people even further, even faster. For this reason, it is important that we implement the most modern technology possible, or at least that’s what futurist, eccentric millionaire, and the Unabomber’s #1 detractor, Blaze “HardDrive” Cypher said in his proposed “Bullet Trolley” plan.


At a recent conference at the Eagle Rock Historical Society Headquarters, sponsored by the company Trolley Brothers Incorporated (great band name), many plans were proposed for the future of the median with stress on trolley-related innovations.


It was Cypher who presented a patent that described a plan to rip up the entirety of Colorado Blvd. and replace the entire street with railroad tracks. Taking inspiration from Japan’s “bullet train” invention, he plans for a magnetic train to be implemented into the small town of Eagle Rock. The train would be operating at maximum speed for full efficiency with short distance passengers being given parachutes to drop off at their location! The rail is intended to run as it originally did, from Eagle Rock to Downtown.


Another citizen presented the notable idea for a Trolley Bus. Bertha May and her husband, Pioneer Pieter, have a combined 524 years between them and some brains full of splendid ideas! They say that we should go forward with the bus but pitch that all the buses on this line are to be painted to resemble the old 5 Car Trolley! Unfortunately, they also pitched that no poor people, teenagers, or noisy dogs are to be allowed onto the Trolley Bus for the “well being of the war witnessers of Eagle Rock.”


Missy Cheyanne, an out of towner and loudly proclaimed “Vegas girl for life,” has proposed an idea from her native land. Taking heavy inspiration from the bar bike, a popular tourist attraction, the Tavern Trolley will essentially be a whole bar on wheels. Council members from the Eagle Rock Historical Society questioned the legal exclusivity of this endeavor, that being that children can’t touch this thing with a 20-foot pole. To this she said, “some people can’t handle my heat, viva Las Vegas!” before promptly leaving.


Many other civilians have pitched their ideas, these range from the classic Mr. Rogers red to responses like: “there was a trolley here?” It’s clear though that the people want this classic back in town. But public transport should be efficient, and trolleys tend to run slow. So how can we make sure that we are preserving history and helping the people of the present? Well, if you have any passion for the trolley at all, please sign our petition for a revival or at least tribute to the old 5 Car. Secondly, if you happen to have any ideas, or wish to show support for some of the few presented here, email trolleybrothersinc@gmail.com!


Thank you for your continued solidarity in the trolley problem we are all facing—that being its disappearance. Remember that it is only us, the people, who can bring this treasured relic back! So speak loud and speak proud, unless you’re against the trolley, in which case, shut up.


Petition: Bring back the 5 Car/Eagle Rock Trolley https://chng.it/Rjgpq7rtYL

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