History has had many instances of great philosophers of the time trying to answer great questions of the time. What defines a human? How should we govern ourselves? What is the meaning of life? What happens after death? But I would like to introduce another question into this great list: what is better, Halloween or Christmas? The philosophers answering this question would be the great students of Eagle Rock High School. So I alone embarked on a heroic journey to acquire this question's answer. I decided to make a google form to ask the students themselves the question. “The great uniter” some called me; “that annoying kid who keeps asking you to answer his form” others said. All that matters is, despite great hardship and struggle, I got 50 answers on my form.
Before I answer the big question, I would like to acknowledge a few issues in my data. The biggest problem is that while 50 is a nice amount of answers, a larger sample size would be much preferred. The other is that there seems to be a rather disproportionately large ratio of 8th and 9th graders to all other grades. Despite all the problems with it, my data is perfect, and these responses can provide a really interesting window into the minds of the school.
There we have it, the greatest question of all time has been definitively answered. The great students at Eagle Rock prefer Halloween. I finally have my deserved spot in the history books as the greatest philosopher this green earth has ever seen. I can hear the people chanting my name in the future already.
When diving into the data a little more, the secrets of this data are revealed. One of the most shocking things is that only 13% of people who use he/him pronouns list Halloween as their favorite of the two. People who use she/her pronouns are pretty split with a slight bias towards Halloween, and people who use they/them pronouns were heavily partial towards Halloween. Differences based on grade were very minimal and likely down to the limits of the sample size.
In the form, I had the great idea of asking people why they chose what they chose, and I would like to go through some of my favorite responses. A common theme for the Halloween-centered response was something to do with candy. For example, “Because candy. Also ooga booga”. Another answer mentioned the pure gay energy Halloween radiates, “It’s October and I’m gay that is literally the reason. also less Jesus”. One of the best answers in favor of Christmas was “Holowein toooo scarrie fo me”. The best one by far, which was school-appropriate, was “Look, I love Halloween, I live, eat, sleep and breathe Halloween, but the pure joy in the air that comes with the holiday season is enough to make a Lumberjack cry. But at the end of the day, I think that Halloween with Christmas music is the best and worst combination in the world”.
With the greatest question of our time has been answered, world peace has been achieved, world hunger has ended, billionaires don’t exist and homelessness has been solved. My name will be known throughout history as the man who saved the world, and my Nobel prize will arrive shortly. Halloween and Christmas’ epic battles throughout history are over, leaving Halloween as victorious.