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Conspiracheese part II: Brieing the school from cheese

Updated: Apr 7, 2022

Art by Ivy Klein (alley photo credit to Morica Pham)

NOTICE - This is the second part in a series. If you haven’t read the first one, go here.

“One month!” I shouted in disbelief at Mr. Steinorth. “Yes, one month until the school is completely turned into cheese.” I took a minute to contemplate. How was I, one student, to take down an entire cheese conspiracy? Then I realized what would happen if I didn’t. I pictured cheese 7th graders getting their cheese notebooks and cheese bookbags. Taking out their cheese phones to get their cheese daily passes; driving to school in cheesemobiles. Walking into a cheese school passing by cheese Mr. Moran, tripping up cheese stairways, only to sit in cheese seats and take cheese Edgenuity lessons about how to use a cheese grater while cheese Mr. Pierce sips his cheese big gulp. That was a fate worse than death. “I need your help,” I said to Mr. Steinorth. “What makes you think I’ll help you?” he said dismissively. “Would you do it for one slice of cheese?” I said. He shook his head. “Two slices of cheese?” I said in a sing-songy voice. “Three?” he asked timidly. “Are you kidding me? Three slices? Do you know how much cheese costs nowadays with all this inflation? My only job is working for the Eagle’s Scream and Mr. Hicks doesn’t even pay me for that.” I shouted at him. “Fine. Two.” I tossed him two slices which he gobbled up immediately. “The head of the company will be there, and they love cheese. Stop them, and the entire operation will crumble. That’s all I know.” “You won’t help me?” I asked. “No, I hate kids.”

I began drafting my plan. As Mr. Steinorth said, the leader loves cheese so I decided to set a trap. I would put some cheese in the centre of the quad on Monday, then Mr. Moran would immediately tackle them for walking on the quad on a stay off the quad day. It was a flawless plan. I went to my local grocery store and bought some cheese. I waited in line at checkout when one of the employees waved me over. “How are you today?” She asked. There was something vaguely familiar about her. The way she looked and talked was very reminiscent of someone I knew… “Good,” I responded with a tinge of suspicion in my voice. After I bought the cheese, I snuck back into school and began carrying out my plan. I laid the cheese in the middle of the quad and began my stakeout.

After hours of waiting, the suspect finally arrived. They were dressed in all black and their face was concealed by a huge slice of swiss cheese; their eyes peering out of the well-placed holes. As they approached the cheese, I expected Mr. Moran to jump out from behind a bush and absolutely destroy them for trampling the quad’s delicate grass, but he wasn’t there. And that’s when I realized the major flaw in my plan: nobody cares if you walk on the quad on Mondays and Tuesdays. I had no choice but to leap out of my position and ran at them. They inevitably noticed me and fled towards the horticulture garden as they rolled thick cheese wheels at me, slowing me down a considerable amount. They rounded the corner as I pursued and when I turned, my face met a hard block of cheddar. “So you’re the kid that’s been bothering me and disrupting my operation! Well then, I think it’s only fitting that you will be the first person turned into cheese!” They took out a small device from their pocket and aimed it at me. But just as they were about to pull the trigger, Mr. Steinorth came out of nowhere and smacked them on the head with a Chromebook. “Mr. Steinorth, What are you doing here!” I shouted jubilantly. “I live here and I thought you both were a group of squirrels trying to take my land.” “Oh,” I said, trying to ignore what I just heard. Then I remembered the body sprawled out on the ground. “Time to see who this masked mozzarella is.” I peeled off the mask… and it was Ms. Keipp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(no way!)!!!! Then I realized she was the cashier at the convenience store!!! “Ms. Keipp!” Mr. Steinorth and I said in unison. “Yes, and I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you and your weird obsession with cheese!” She said maniacally. “I think we need an explanation, what happened to your new job?” I asked. “That was just a cover for my actual job, turning LAUSD into cheese so that the cheese companies would make us rich! And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you and your weird obsession with cheese!” “You already said that.”

In the end, LAUSD was saved. The corrupt board members were replaced, global warming was solved, the pandemic disappeared, and world peace ensued. You’re welcome.

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