TALLAHASSEE—Tensions have been mounting outside of a Postal Office in Tallahassee, Florida, as a local gang of Chihuahuas known as HAM, or Huahuas Against Mail-carriers, refuse to call off their siege. Their leader, “Buddy”, has been standing on top of a stained queen-sized mattress in the parking lot of the Post Office, barking at the same exact interval, non-stop, for 48 hours straight. A task force of approximately 10 Chihuahuas has been witnessed urinating around the entire perimeter of the building, further encroaching on the Mail-carriers’ territory.
During the early phases of the siege, we managed to get a reporter inside the Post Office, and they have been updating us for the past five days regarding the status of the 37 workers, both mentally and physically. Apparently, there are approximately 250 pounds of cashews in storage, so they won’t be running out of nourishment any time soon. But unfortunately, almost all Mail-carriers are experiencing severe trauma, and many are in PTSD-induced comas. Some have seemingly lost their minds, and have begun quietly barking in sync with Buddy.
Local police have attempted to negotiate terms of surrender with the Chihuahuas, but, according to our translator, Buddy is adamant that the siege continues. Although there is no perfect dog-to-English translation, Buddy is believed to have demanded “10 gallons of envelope sealant and their leader.” Buddy has had a hatred for Louis DeJoy (the United States Postmaster General) ever since he adopted a small white dog instead of Buddy. Unfortunately, there are only six gallons of envelope sealant inside the Post Office and DeJoy is on vacation in New Zealand.
It is now day seven, marking one week since the initiation of the siege. Undelivered parcels are causing unrest amongst the neighboring citizens, and the Post Office absolutely reeks of ammonia. Our reporter on the inside has told us that they plan on resigning, going back to art school, and becoming a ballet dancer if they ever make it out of this “godforsaken Post Office”. Although things are looking grim for the most part, the Chihuahuas have allowed one of the Mail-carriers to leave the Post-Office and negotiate with them directly.
After approximately 15 hours of negotiation, this particular Mail-carrier, whose full name is Mortimer, has agreed to teach Buddy how to slither like a snake, and in return, Buddy will allow 17 of the 37 employees within the Post-Office to exit the building and return to the outside world. Of the 17 workers who were released, 5 are catatonic, and are receiving immediate medical attention. The rest are mildly traumatized, and one worker who has a cashew allergy is experiencing malnutrition.
Three days have passed since the agreement between Mortimer and Buddy was made, and Buddy has seemingly begun to lose interest in the siege, as he becomes more and more invested in his snake-slither training. In an interview with Mortimer, we learned that Buddy is actually “a really sweet, passionate, and empathetic dog who just wants 10 gallons of envelope sealant and Louis DeJoy”. Luckily, the four gallons of envelope sealant that the Post-Office in Tallahassee is missing is being sourced from a nearby Post-Office in Thomasville, Georgia, and is predicted to arrive in less than 12 hours.
Unfortunately, upon hearing about the siege, Louis DeJoy has resigned from his position as the United States Postmaster General, and it’s rumored that he is now training to be the oldest Olympic athlete to compete in the men’s big air competition at the next Winter Olympics in Paris, France.
Buddy has said that once his snake-slither training is complete and the missing four gallons of envelope sealant are delivered, the siege will at last come to an end, marking the conclusion of one of HAM’s most devastating acts of defiance.