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Every boy scout cookie, reviewed

Updated: Mar 19, 2022

Art by Mar Montoya

Everyone loves Girl Scout cookies. There are so many varieties to enjoy, from rich and chewy Samoas to crispy and classic Thin Mints. What you might not know is that the Boy Scouts (the templates for all the Girl Scouts (every Girl Scout is a female clone of a Boy Scout (which explains why they both have the exact same amount of members (don't worry, I confirmed this fact with my friend in Boy Scouts)))) also have their own line of cookies. Although there aren't as many varieties, they make up for the lack of quantity with a lack of quality. And I mean it. Most of them are complete garbage. Like, who came up with "Cheesy Chocolate Chunk?" It's actually disgusting.

So, naturally, I decided to try every single variety of Boy Scout cookie, and give you my thoughts about all of them. So, with a small but non-zero amount of further ado, let's begin. I will be describing each cookie, first of all, and then giving you my sort of abstract thoughts. Then, I'll assign each one a ranking on a 2-point scale: A "17" means I would never eat them again in my life, and an "83" means that I would rather eat it than starve. There is no other option.

The first cookie I tried was also the first cookie they came out with, the "thick mint.” In the beginning, they relied solely on ripping off the ideas of their clones, and their ideas weren't the most original. The thick mint is similar to the well-known Girl Scout cookie the Thin Mint, except with two major differences: 1) It's three feet tall, and 2) the chocolate might have wood chips in it from the Boy Scouts whittling as they make the cookies, as it's the only other thing they do during their meetings. I give it an 83.

One thing I do appreciate about the Boy Scouts is that, unlike the Girl Scouts, their cookies are actually handmade at their meetings. This does, however, come with some drawbacks, like the aforementioned wood chips, and the fact that the availability is usually low. In order to make their efforts worthwhile, a box of Boy Scouts cookies costs about 2.4 ScoutCoin. That's the other thing: The cookies can only be purchased using the Scouts' very own cryptocurrency, which is incredibly unpredictable and hard to manage, even for an experienced crypto investor and NFT owner such as myself.

[I would show a screenshot of my expansive collection here, but I fear that they may be screenshotted and stolen. It's honestly disgusting that I have to worry about people doing this]

The next cookie they dropped was the "Thanks-A-Lot". You might not know this, but the "Thanks-A-Lot" is actually a Girl Scout cookie. A shortbread biscuit dipped in chocolate, to be specific. I guess the Boy Scouts thought that this variety was irrelevant enough that no one would realize they were reselling cookies from their main competitors. This is something I don't understand: Are the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts competitors? Are they allies? Enemies to lovers? Do they ever even interact at all? I could ask the question to someone in either organization, but I chose not to for the aforementioned reasons. Anyway, I give the "Thanks-A-Lot" an 83.

The first time the Boy Scouts decided to get a bit more original with their cookies was when they released the aforementioned "Cheesy Chocolate Chunk." The cookie has the aforementioned quality of being insanely terrible, as it turns out Cheese and Chocolate don't go together well at all. I give it the aforementioned score of 17.

After releasing the Cheesy Chocolate Chunk, the Boy Scouts faced huge amounts of backlash and hate comments about how bad their cookie was.

Luckily, with the exclusively masculine values of determination and never giving up, the Boy Scouts ignored the haters and created what might be their magnum opus: The Acid Cookie.

Now, when I first heard about the Acid Cookie, I assumed that it was really sour or something. I love sour candy, and I thought that this cookie had the potential to be really tasty. It was extremely sour, but after I had eaten a sleeve or so I began to feel… weird. Within half an hour I could see the walls moving. All of a sudden, I was convinced that someone was living in them: someone out to get me, someone who was waiting for the perfect moment to strike. I sat in my room for what seemed like hours upon hours, paranoid and unsure of anything.

I began to hear a strange chanting. I knew it was something I had heard before, but from where I still can't figure out. It sounded like they were telling me to beware of something, but the second part of the message was hard to make out. If they were trying to warn me about the cookies, it was too late.

Strange images flashed before my eyes: A massive arboreal being, consuming small children. Around the tree was a group of people kneeling, and around them were pedestals, holding up models of the earth on fire. The scene faded out as a second overtook my eyes and mind: A monster of the deep sea, locked in lethal combat with what looked to be a science student. Both were fighting for their lives as if a lot depended on it. A third image began to appear, and as I could just barely make out what appeared to be a giant gingerbread man, locked in a remote laboratory, the images faded from my mind and I woke up collapsed on my floor.

I give this cookie an 83.

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