Content warning: this article deals with suicide.
Loss is something so deeply complex and internal we want to write it off as impossible. An open, empty space. Nothing of that person will ever be again. Only quiet and quickly fading memories. It’s hard to understand this feeling if you’ve never known it, almost helplessness, hoping the stars and the moon in the sky will drop to earth and melt back into the beautiful person you once knew. Thinking they’ll be around the corner, with their perfect smile and eyes that feel like autumn and the earth after the rain.
Recently, I lost a friend to suicide—someone really close to me. I don’t want to believe it's true—and I don’t want to believe that there is nothing I can do about it. In reality, I’ll never get to watch them grow up, they are forever burned into my mind as the dance-loving, drum-playing fourteen-year-old. I am endlessly waiting for the next time I can hold them in my arms again.
RAIN
i painted you a picture of perfect nothing
silence and contemplation
just how you liked it
you said you enjoyed the cloudy days because behind them hid
the eager rain
fallen behind a stone-cold wall of grey reaches and heavy air
like you
because i know you hid
every awaiting thought behind those deep eyes
your smile was infectious
with your movement
i know how you lost yourself within it
dancing that left everyone in the room breathless
gasping for more
lucky for us because
we could never get you out of the cipher
you inspired joy in its fullest form
a laugh always awaiting on your lips
i admire you for this because
behind every joke you made
smile you held
laugh you caused
was your own pain
struggle that held you down
the cloudy day
hiding the rain
HOLE
i’ve never experienced a world so quiet
filled with silent tears
and muted thoughts
a person-shaped hole
a dent
much like the one you made in studio 4
i wasn’t actually there that day
much to my sadness when i heard the notification
a picture of the wall
a gaping hollow in its side
“look what happened!”
i remember thinking
only they could have done that
i was right
you did do it
jumping to reach the ceiling, of all things
i’d like to think that if i’d been there
you would have made it a challenge
tease me about my height
like you always did
“bet you couldn’t reach this”
you’d always feel bad after though
give me a piggyback ride
and let me touch the ceiling
your kindness
was my favorite thing
ECLIPSE
in the days before you died
i had a feeling
you told me you hadn’t been sleeping
the dark circles like midnight shadows
taking away from those perfect eyes
i worried about you deeply
but you always told me it was okay
shrugged it off
there was something so admirable
about the way you lived your life
one step at a time
a smile for days
but even that smile
faltered this time
you told me you'd see me soon
i took that last hug for granted
a fleeting moment
that now leaves me hoping
for something impossible
you will never be fifteen
only a fragile memory
resting dangerously on my mind
i get to grow up
and you are forever in eclipse
but i can see you
in the rain
the sky
the sun
the moon
silently watching over me
there is nothing i wouldn’t do to hold you
one last time