In a shocking turn of events today, the Coronavirus has suddenly disappeared, after running out of Greek letters. The deadly virus was left unchecked for too long and blew through alpha, beta, gamma, and delta—all the way to omega, where it simply vanished, leaving scientists around the world stunned.
“We don’t know how or why this happened,” reports Anthony Fauci, head of the CDC. “But what we are currently working on is a two-letter alphabet to name all future diseases after.”
Of course, this sent the insurmountably petty nation of Greece into a frenzy. “Naming Covid-19 was the only thing we had, please don’t take naming future viruses that kill millions of people away from us. When people think of Greece, we want people to think about super-cool, badass devastation, not poor people in togas,” says the president of Greece, Katerina Sakellaropoulou. “Even our yogurt isn’t that good.”
This also has serious implications regarding other diseases. The UN is even considering eliminating all numbers above two, to prevent stage three and stage four cancer.
We also have news of a man named Carl who was on his deathbed when he just got up, took a bite out of his arm, and said, “I can taste again!” We have an interview with him here:
Reporter: “So what was it like, having your health just rush back into you as if nothing had happened?”
Carl: “Oh, it felt great. I feel like I could eat a whole tub of hairs!”
Reporter: “You mean pears?”
Carl: “Yeah… pears.”
Reporter: “A common side-effect of COVID-19 is the loss of taste, what is your favorite food that you will be eating to celebrate?”
Carl: “I love snacking on an eye.”
Reporter: “You mean pie?” Carl: “Yes.”
Reporter: “Aside from being hooked to a ventilator for months, of course, what would you say was your least favorite part of the pandemic?”
Carl: “Definitely the masks, they make it much harder to eat people.”
Reporter: “People?”
Carl: “Umm…umm... I believe animals should have the same rights as people do, so I address them as such.”
Reporter: “But you still eat them?”
Carl: “Just like people.”
Reporter: “What?”
Carl: “I MEAN I EAT THEM AS A HUMAN WOULD.”
Reporter: “Interesting. So what will be the first thing you do when you return to your home and normal life?”
Carl: “I’ll probably check on that group of people I kidnapped in my basement. They’ve been down there for a while, and with me being in the hospital and all, nobody’s fed them in at least a few months.
Reporter: “I’m noticing a trend here.”
Carl: “You look like you have very tasty elbows…”
Reporter: “Oh thank you so much! I work them out a lot and I take a lot of pride in them I didn’t think anyone noti-”
It was at this point in the interview that Carl jumped out of his chair with a syringe, and our reporter had to beat him into submission with a spoon.
We are all very thankful that this quarantine can finally come to end. Let’s just hope Cambodia doesn’t insist on basing the next pandemic on their alphabet.