Updated: Mar 5, 2020
Cincinnati Mayor is Replaced by This Dog
Dr.Ruffles, a Golden retriever, just replaced the long-standing mayor of Cincinnati, John Cranley. Cranley conceded to Ruffles at his recent campaign for reelection. When asked why he conceded, Cranley had this to say: “I just see a lot of potential in Ruffles, and I believe that he can do more for this city than I ever could.” Ruffles previously attended Harvard Law School and hopes to end the “tyrannical rule of squirrels in this city.” Ruffles is running on a new progressive platform and has proposed making wide-scale changes, with his initiative to make sure every citizen gets one bone a day. He also plans on banning cats from the city.
Brawl Breaks Out After local Man Brings Entire Roast Pig To Vegan Potluck
Ricky Flowers recently caused what is being called the greatest brawl to break out since the Meatball Riots in 95. “I thought it was an anti-vegan potluck,” said Flower. The brawl started at a potluck at the Meadow Park of the Silver Lake reservoir. Lucian Huynh a local had this to say, “ I was walking by then all of a sudden I saw a roast pig fly in the air, then a violent brawl broke out.” It has been estimated that 200 vegans were hospitalized and 97 non-vegans.
Trump Forgets Hawaii is a State
At a recent press conference on disaster preparedness for volcanic eruptions in Hawaii, President Trump forgot that Hawaii was a U.S. state. When a reporter asked what Trump plans to do about preventing another disaster in Hawaii Trump replied,
“Why are we talking about Hawaii? We should be focusing on our own issues in America such as building the wall.”
The reporter then informed Trump that Hawaii is, in fact, a US state. The argument reportedly went on for several minutes and Stephanie Grisham Trump's press secretary pulled him aside. According to his cabinet, it took 12 hours to convince Trump Hawaii was a state.
Scientists Announce Ambitious New Plan to Colonize the Sun
Scientists at NASA just announced a plan to colonize the sun by 2025. The new plan outlines setting up a human colony on the sun. When asked “won't we just all burn up and die?” one NASA scientist had this to say: “Once we get an air conditioner running it will run smoothly, but it won't be pleasant for the first group.” The plan will cost an estimated 10 billion dollars and will include 10,000 people.
Government Puts Alaska Up for Sale
Recently the US Department of State listed Alaska for 5000 dollars.
“When we sell Alaska, I can finally buy a new car and an Xbox."
"Once I get the new car I can finally have freedom, the Attorney General keeps making fun of me, but now ill finally be able to drive,” says John Kerry head of the department of state. It's expected that Russia will purchase the state with Vladimir Putin presenting a personal interest in buying it.
Birds are Brain Control
I’ve been noticing a lot of birds on campus lately, what's up? I feel like they're following me. Yesterday I saw about 50 CROWS! The other day a bird yelled at me to stop looking at him. Like WHY?! Where did they come from. I have a theory, these birds are robots made by the deep state in order to spy on us, and control our minds. Birds chirp and sing, but why? They do this in order to mask the radio emission that they release in order to mess with our brain waves, and subtly control us. You might be thinking that this is all crazy. Well, all great truthers have been misunderstood in their time. When Darwin discovered evolution he was laughed at, but now he's held up as genius. Think about it, have you ever seen a bird in an old painting? No! This is because birds hadn't been invented yet by the deep state.
B.I.R.D stands for Brain Interference Radio Device.
If I haven't convinced some of you, I have a question for you. Why is it that when you hear a bird chirping you become calm? This is because the government uses radio waves that put people at ease in order to keep them at bay and suppress any potential uprising. Also when we had the government shutdown last year I didn't see a single bird. Neither did anyone else I know. This goes to further prove my point that birds are robotic radio devices made up by the government in order to mind control us.
Breaking News: This Reporter is locked in the Bathroom of an Applebees
Breaking News!! Breaking news!!! This reporter is locked inside the bathroom of an Applebees. I've been locked in here for 72 hours now and have had to sustain myself on these strange cake things, and brownies, but this reporter is unaware of how they got here.
“EW!” screamed this reporter right before spitting it out, due to the strange flavor of the cakes. This reporter fears for his life,
“I don't know how long I can make it in here some strange creatures keep coming in and yelling at me.”
For The Shallot this is Jon Turteltaub.