Why is water different colors?
At times the water near the football field, by the track has changed to various colors; this includes purple, grey, brown, and white. This is obviously the school's attempt to “enhance” our athletes. This explains why our student-athletes are doing so well. Who could be behind this? Our coaches? The cows? Athletic Director Martinez?
Fire alarms? WHAT?!
We always hear fire alarms go off, yet have you ever seen anyone pull a fire alarm? Is it possible that the school receives money each time the fire alarms go off? Or maybe the district is scared students could rebel, and the fire alarm is just a security measure? Think about it. We even experienced a real fire, and no fire alarms went off. We received a message from the office to stay in our classrooms?! But I ask you reader if there was a fire why would we stay in the classroom? Think about it.
Why is there a hole in the woodshop room?
One may ask how can there be a hole in the woodshop building when the ASB room is directly below it? Could it be that this is a portal to another dimension? Think about it. Why else was woodshop canceled as a class for so long? Why is the area near the hole called “The Cave”? No ideas. Me neither! My only explanation is that The Cave is some sort of biblical reference to the Cave of Elijah mentioned in King 19:8. Could it be that this hole is a portal to the Garden of Eden? I will leave that up to the reader to decide, but I must say, think about it.
Where did Baca go?
Dr. Baca was my principal in seventh grade, and many of you may remember our old Principal Dr. Baca, but I have to ask, where is he now? I remember him as being very kind and nice. He was always there to give me a smile, and a handshake. If we are living in a video game, which seems likely. Clearly our developers did not patch this part of the game, because Keipp was soon patched in without an explanation.
Where do 7th graders come from?
Every year the seventh graders come in massive waves to breach the dam of maturity that is the ERHS campus. The new seventh graders have come to our school, but I have one question. Where do seventh graders come from? Many of you may say elementary schools. Many seventh graders are short, hyper, with a general lack of elegant appeal. Kids nowadays grow up with iPads, iPhones, and Airpods. Could it be that Apple is programming our children? The other day I walked past a few seventh graders wearing Airpods, and my theory was confirmed. How could they have Airpods when I don’t? Think about it.
What kind of meat is in BIC?
Have you ever taken a big bite of BIC, and wondered, “What I am eating?” Well for many of you "Breakfast In the Classroom" is just a decently tasting, tummy-filling, interesting smelling, breakfast food. But I beg the question, what kind of meat lies within the various sandwiches served in our 1st and 5th periods? After dissecting the meat I can only determine it is meat, but we should be worried as it could be anything. Horse? Dog? Dr. Baca? Think about it.
Why can the classroom PA speakers listen to us?!
I have heard and seen many teachers speak into the classroom PA speakers. But they are speakers, how can they listen to us? And more importantly how often do they listen to us? After close observation I determined nothing. The speaker seems to have a screen blocking it. This screen must have been put here to block inspections like mine. Although I cannot determine their espionage in our classrooms, I do encourage caution around the speakers as they may be listening right now.
Why won’t Mr. Hicks let me share my conspiracies?
Mr. Hicks seems like a stand-up guy; he is head of the English, good friends with Ms. Keipp, but when I began this scientific article with intent to expose corruption within our school, but after discussing the possibilities with my associates in Journalism, Mr. Hicks seemed to seek theories out. It’s almost like he is programmed to listen to me when I discuss these plot holes. Is it possible that Mr. Hicks is a robot? Think about it. Michael is the most common name in the United States and Hicks? Is just an acronym for Human Interface Controlled Kindness Surveillance? There is also the situation of the microwave and the tea kettle. And is it possible the teakettle could be a charger or his friend? He is nearly always by it. Think about it. English writers are known to be the most rebellious. Could it be that Mr. Hicks is really a robot programmed by LAUSD to silence dissidents? This is why in my opinion, he is the new journalism sponsor, to make sure everything is pro LAUSD. This is why a new set of core values were implemented as soon as I pitched this article.
Update I: After writing these words Ms. Keipp came to the next day in journalism, is it possible they are here to spy on me. This article could be much more important than I initially suspected. Hicks Bot could be onto me. I shared my article with only Lola. Is it possible my fellow student ratted me out to LAUSD? I assess that it is very possible, as she is in DP which is known to be deeply embedded in the LAUSD system. Their attempts to silence me have been in vain as I am have not been corrupted to their deep state. I am genuinely worried about being taken by them.
Update II: Hicks Bot asked me if I needed to be re-educated to the rules of journalism. I responded, “ The Work is the fun.” Hicks Bot looked at me and smiled almost robotically.
Update III: Oscar Herman Vasquez Jr. came in with a camera. He says he is filming for an “office intro,” but could it be possible he is trying to record my truths.
Update V: Hicks and Dean Moran were speaking and Hicks was showing the Dean his phone, is it possible they were talking about me? This will be the last update, as my first draft is due soon. In conclusion, this reporter is scared for his life and his grade in journalism.
Who is the mascot?
Possible suspects
Jasmine Cho
Dr. Baca: Could it be Dr. Baca who was condemned to be the mascot? After he left as principal, could it be he has still been helping our school, just in a different way? Think about it.
A giant eagle: Has the school genetically modified a massive eagle made to perform for our football team? Think about it; we have never seen the “person” that controls the mascot, is it possible the final year of Environmental science they went too far and created Rocky? This could explain why the class was canceled. If you have any doubt in my theory then I ask, why is there a ca-caw at the end of every announcement? Could it be Rocky trying to caw for help?
What’s really under Mr. Mailes' hat?
Mr. Mailes is the horticulture teacher, and sponsor of FFA. But he always seems to wear a brown fedora. Why does he wear this hat? Could it be someone or something is controlling Mr. Jeff Mailes? He comes every day in this hat. Similar to the movie Ratatouille, could Mr. Mailes have a Remmy of his own? I now believe there is a garden gnome that controls him. That is how Mr. Mailes is such a good gardener. It all makes sense, no human could be that good of a gardener. Think about it. Mr. Mailes is just a giant compost generating, tree planting, cilantro growing gnome puppet.
Why do they want us to join DP?
DP is an academic program here at ERHS supported by the many students, staff, and clubs. Like many students, I heard the whole spiel about DP, but unlike many students, I did not join DP. I now worry about what happened to my DP associates, and why they really want us to join DP. I began to notice a difference in DP students when they founded a club, known as DP support group, but this club is exclusive to DP kids. After wondering why it can’t just be a support club to help all students? I realized this club is only to reinforce brainwashing techniques in DP itself because if it was to support students it’s very suspicious they would not invite other stressed students. After accidentally attending a DP support group meeting I soon understood… They are brainwashing DP kids into being stressed, compulsive, and edgy as some sort of twisted science experiment. The worst thing about this is our school gets extra money for each DP student. This experiment has corrupted every facet of our school. Think about it.
Final plot hole: Am I real?
These plot holes have proved one thing to me, anything could be fake. How do I know that I am real? I have been able to find proof that I am real, as an inquiry with my mother proved to be fruitless as she laughed and walked away. Her laugh taunted me, as this proved to me I was not real, or at least not in the “awake” sense. I had a sudden epiphany, could it be I am stuck in a coma. When testing for my friend’s article Slippery Places in ERHS. It is possible I could have slipped, and cracked my head like a fragile egg. Could it be I am not real? I ask you, faithful reader, think about it.