Art by Levi Stroth
Local homeowners report “Like at least two rats” in Orange Tree, Possibly Three
Local homeowners have reported seeing “like at least two rats” in the enormous orange tree in their backyard. The rats were first spotted sometime on Monday, and since the initial sighting, their antics have spiraled wildly out of control.
“We first saw the rats because we took two hours to shine flashlights into the upper bits of the tree,” the teenage son said when consulted. “We didn’t really know what we were going to do once we found the rats. We’d already seen them twice, so we’d get them with the flashlight and it was like ‘yep. That is a rat. It’s in the tree. This does nothing to solve our problem. Guess we’ll do this for another two hours.’ It’s a really inefficient method of getting rid of the rats, but it’s not like we know what else to do.”
According to that same consultant, the Monday rat sighting started with the rats simply scuttling around the tree and generally being rats, but as the week progressed, the rodents got bolder in their tree squatting.
“One really big rat just walked across the patio,” the father said, “I brought out our dog, and of course she did nothing. I pointed her head directly at the rat and she still didn’t notice it. The rat just walked down the patio, like it owned the place.” Theories that the rats are actually the house’s legal owners have been offered by the strange man living in the eco-waste can in the small alleyway next to the house where the garbage cans go. However, given that this theory has been proposed by the strange man living in the eco-waste can in the small alleyway next to the house where the garbage cans go, we will not be taking them too seriously.
Local Student Attempting to Expedite Process of Self-Crabification
One local student has discovered the “glorious” process of crabification, the process of non-crab animals evolving into crabs, and has set out on an endeavor to expedite this process in humans.
“I can’t believe it took me this long to figure out,” Molly Crustac-son tapped out on the pavement in morse code for us, hunched over on all fours and wearing a crab costume from Party City. “No longer am I confined to that wretched human form. I have realized that my true destiny lies with the seas, as a crab.”
One of the two reporters sent to interview Molly Crustac-son, moderately disturbed by the whole situation, attempted to crack a joke at how “crabby” the recent quarantine has made us all. Molly then proceeded to tear a gash in said reporter’s left leg, followed by morse code on the sidewalk being tapped, explaining how the word ‘crabby’ is a dire insult to many crustaceans. The reporter did have to be biked to the hospital, transported in an old red wagon tied to the back of a bike, as no one on the investigation had a driver’s license and we weren’t about to start breaking the law here. We apologize to Crustac-son for any emotional harm our reporters may have caused that day.
Crustac-son has been adopting a variety of unique techniques in her attempts to evolve into a crab. She had previously been breaking into the Yosemite recreation park’s pool (the one across the street from the ERHS campus), though recently has abandoned it for a dank saltwater creek she found somewhere in the woods behind the Stroth house (don’t tell the Stroths - they don’t know she’s there). She has also adopted a crab she has been transporting with her to said dank creek in the woods. Though she objects to the human tradition of giving names, she did agree that we could call her adopted crab “Charles” for the sake of this article, after Charles Darwin.
“[Charles] has taught me so much about what it truly means to be a crab,” she tapped out on the bark of one of the trees near the creek,”
Our other reporter on the scene, dearly perhaps-departed Levi Stroth, mistakenly tried to inform Molly that the correct word for this process is carcinzation. However, Molly was unreceptive to criticism and using her “enormous crab claws”, tore off multiple limbs and an ear (as of publication we still do not know which ear was torn off). Levi, we wish you the best and are also deeply sorry we had to replace you with a clone. You had an article on the alt-right due soon, and we cannot let the readers down.
New “Doctors Without Bachelor’s Degrees” Program Set to Provide Abundant -- Yet Utterly Incompetent -- Medical Care Worldwide
The new “Doctors Without Bachelor’s Degrees” organization is set to provide abundant, yet completely inept, medical care on a global level. Our consultant reported a “diverse” “varied” and “somewhat concerning” mixture of individuals accepted into the new medical program, including but not limited to; a multitude of students who failed medical school and “want another go at it”, three republican senators, at least two chefs, the three rats found in the local homeowner’s tree, a Trader Joe’s cashier who always asks if you’re making quesadillas (despite you never purchasing any of the ingredients necessary), an altar boy, the alter ego of the altar boy, and Charles. These “remarkable”, “entirely unfit for medical service”, and “trustworthy” individuals will all soon be graduating from the six-week training program for Doctor’s Without Bachelor’s Degrees and emerging into the medical workforce. “With a third of Go-Fund-Mes now being for medical costs, I figured I might as well take a shot at providing affordable healthcare. Sure, it’s not what you’d get in a hospital, but it’s probably better than nothing.” Program founder Malidea Haber said in an interview with the Eagle’s Scream. “Sure, we may have accepted one cannibal and we have had two instances of him stealing somebody’s kidneys, but if it’s between you dying and being down one kidney? You’re probably going to ditch the kidney.”
 - Haber was wrong about the number of cannibals accepted into the Doctors without Bachelor’s Degrees program; an outside source tells us that the number of cannibals in the program is currently four.
 - Haber was also wrong about the statistics of kidney theft among patients of the Doctors without Bachelor’s Degrees program; recent reports tally the number of stolen kidneys closer to thirteen.