Burger King merges with Lockheed Martin
Burger King recently announced that they will be beginning a merger with Lockheed Martin, which is the largest arms manufacturer in the US. The Burger King said, “Now Burger King will be greater than ever. Imagine that you're hungry. So you go to get a burger, but you also want to pick up a new gun. Well, now you can go to Burger King, home of Burger King.” This news came as a shock to millions of Americans and is being called the most ambitious merger ever. A recent poll put the approval of this merger at 75%. For a limited time, only Burger King is having a promotion where you can get a Whopper fries, a large drink, and a fully loaded desert eagle for only 25 dollars. One thing is for sure this reporter is very excited to try out this deal, all hail the Burger King.
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Hands Off My Pastrami Sandwich
Recently while eating a Pastrami at Katz Deli in the East Village neighborhood of NYC a fan approached presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and tried to touch his pastrami sandwich. “Hands off my pastrami sandwich! I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to touch my pastrami sandwich. And you will know My name is Bernie Sanders when I lay My vengeance upon thee!” Bernie Sanders apparently spoke on for three hours about his pastrami sandwich, before floating into the air and calling down a bolt of lightning to smite the would-be sandwich thief. “Ow,” said the assailant before he was hospitalized. In the process of resisting arrest, Sanders destroyed 25 heavily armed S.W.A.T vehicles and set down a bolt of lightning that caused a fire that burned down all of lower Manhattan. The whereabouts of Sanders are currently unknown, and Trump is personally offering a 10 trillion-dollar prize for the head of Bernie Sanders.
Out of Money and Desperate Obama Seeks Employment on Craigslist
Former President Barack Obama has run out of money and is posting ads on craigslist seeking employment. This news comes after he lost all his money betting it on a little league baseball game. “I thought that little Joey would be able to win the game for the Montgomery Biscuits, but I was wrong and now I have no money, and Michelle has kicked me out. I am willing to do anything for money while waiting to plot my day of reckoning.” Obama is currently living in a minivan and can be seen stealing donuts from the dumpster of a nearby Dunkin Donuts.