Today at the Network of Cartoons’ official press conference on content regulation and censorship, many arrived to a nearly empty panel. The conference was held in a Hilton Hotel in Dayton, Ohio, and troves of reporters poured into the tiny panel room only to be greeted by a single representative and six members of the Hilton’s security staff and personnel. The single panelist held a bundle of six to ten school grade notecards, sweaty fingers leaving noticeable prints on the cardstock. From the very back of the crowd, anyone could see the massive amounts of sweat gathering on this person’s body. As many reporters waited for the event to begin, the topic of this representative’s identity came into question. Not a single person in the building could quite figure out who this notecard toting soloist was.
When the question and answer segment that was supposed to spearhead the conference began, the doors were locked and the fire escapes were secured at break-neck speed. A full five minutes before the questions began, the panelist, later identified as Mr. Jaime Rivera, cleared his throat and spoke before the crowd. The following transcript is an official statement given by Cartoon Network.
Date: Tuesday, September 31st
Meeting place: The Hilton Hotel Conference Hall, Dayton OH
Attendees: JR = Jaime Rivera, SW = Shepherd Williams (myself), and NS = Noa Sango
JR: Hi- er- hello, I am an intern here on the behalf of the Chairman of the regulations board and his staff.
JR: I am present alone today on the account that the C.O.O of the company is…
[He shuffles through the note cards and reads off one.]
JR: Out sick on business.
JR: [laughs and speaks quietly] That does not sound real…
JR: Today I am here to give an official statement on the heavily criticized move to- please put this in air-quotes Rivera, you good for nothing…
JR: ...censor the relationship between two male characters in the hit TV show “Super Kids Hero Guys.”
JR: To begin, we would like to gratify the fan’s perceptions of the relationship between Doctor Disagreeable and Calamity Cowboy. We completely and wholeheartedly understand how the scene in season three episode seven can be interpreted as romantic, but the network assures viewers that a romantic candlelit dinner can indeed be shared between “just friends.”
JR: The network is also of the same opinion on these behaviors.
JR: going on date nights,
JR: cooking dinner for each other’s kids,
JR: buying a house together,
JR: ...on the mouth.
JR: [Laughs] these are- are all platonic behaviours!
JR: The showrunner has opted to announce that there is absolutely nothing going on, and has forced the chief writers and storyboarders to retcon their marriage episode at gunpoint.
JR: The chairman of the standards and practices committee has elected to confirm that the effeminate and homoerotic behaviors can be attributed to the ‘camp’ nature of the show’s comedy.
JR: Oh. My. God.
JR: [speaking quietly] Camp? Camp? The gays invented camp, I’m going to hell, aren’t I?
JR: Any questions.
[A reporter from ‘The Chesapeake Writing-Story-Breaking News Thingy,’ Noa Sango speaks up]
NS: But this statement in no way rescinds the proof for their queerness! It just slaps ‘straight’ onto the alleged ‘problem!’
RS: Well- er there was nothing to prove that they aren’t straight because the chairman delegitimized it all.
NS: The creator confirmed on his Twitter account that both characters are homosexuals!