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Network of Cartoons opts for censorship

Updated: Nov 2, 2021

Art by Shepherd Williams

Today at the Network of Cartoons’ official press conference on content regulation and censorship, many arrived to a nearly empty panel. The conference was held in a Hilton Hotel in Dayton, Ohio, and troves of reporters poured into the tiny panel room only to be greeted by a single representative and six members of the Hilton’s security staff and personnel. The single panelist held a bundle of six to ten school grade notecards, sweaty fingers leaving noticeable prints on the cardstock. From the very back of the crowd, anyone could see the massive amounts of sweat gathering on this person’s body. As many reporters waited for the event to begin, the topic of this representative’s identity came into question. Not a single person in the building could quite figure out who this notecard toting soloist was.

When the question and answer segment that was supposed to spearhead the conference began, the doors were locked and the fire escapes were secured at break-neck speed. A full five minutes before the questions began, the panelist, later identified as Mr. Jaime Rivera, cleared his throat and spoke before the crowd. The following transcript is an official statement given by Cartoon Network.

Date: Tuesday, September 31st

Meeting place: The Hilton Hotel Conference Hall, Dayton OH

Attendees: JR = Jaime Rivera, SW = Shepherd Williams (myself), and NS = Noa Sango

JR: Hi- er- hello, I am an intern here on the behalf of the Chairman of the regulations board and his staff.

JR: I am present alone today on the account that the C.O.O of the company is…

[He shuffles through the note cards and reads off one.]

JR: Out sick on business.

JR: [laughs and speaks quietly] That does not sound real…

JR: Today I am here to give an official statement on the heavily criticized move to- please put this in air-quotes Rivera, you good for nothing…

JR: ...censor the relationship between two male characters in the hit TV show “Super Kids Hero Guys.”

JR: To begin, we would like to gratify the fan’s perceptions of the relationship between Doctor Disagreeable and Calamity Cowboy. We completely and wholeheartedly understand how the scene in season three episode seven can be interpreted as romantic, but the network assures viewers that a romantic candlelit dinner can indeed be shared between “just friends.”

JR: The network is also of the same opinion on these behaviors.

JR: going on date nights,

JR: cooking dinner for each other’s kids,

JR: buying a house together,

JR: kissing…

JR: ...on the mouth.

JR: [Laughs] these are- are all platonic behaviours!

JR: The showrunner has opted to announce that there is absolutely nothing going on, and has forced the chief writers and storyboarders to retcon their marriage episode at gunpoint.

JR: The chairman of the standards and practices committee has elected to confirm that the effeminate and homoerotic behaviors can be attributed to the ‘camp’ nature of the show’s comedy.

JR: Oh. My. God.

JR: [speaking quietly] Camp? Camp? The gays invented camp, I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

JR: Any questions.

[A reporter from ‘The Chesapeake Writing-Story-Breaking News Thingy,’ Noa Sango speaks up]

NS: But this statement in no way rescinds the proof for their queerness! It just slaps ‘straight’ onto the alleged ‘problem!’

RS: Well- er there was nothing to prove that they aren’t straight because the chairman delegitimized it all.

NS: The creator confirmed on his Twitter account that both characters are homosexuals!

JR: Uh-

JR: [inaudible]

JR: No more questions!

The panel immediately closed after the statement, and security officers forced out any reporters after the incident. The Eagle’s Scream followed up with Cartoon Network, but we have been blocked from contacting any of their representatives. In a last ditch effort, we reached out to the network on Twitter- which we were also blocked on for violating the DNI on their carrd.

The “Super Kids Hero Guys” team has issued a response to this behavior by announcing that the next season will shift away from the main cast of plucky 6 to 11-year-old heroes, and instead turn the focus on title villains: Calamity Cowboy and Doctor Disagreeable. In the last year, this shift was evident; with the main character’s father figure being replaced with Calamity Cowboy in the midseason finale of the 3rd season. Creator of the show, Sirius Nam, made the following statement on Twitter.

Head storyboard artist Amanda Grab, has also pushed back against the decisions made by standards and practices to keep the relationship between the two characters platonic. “We will not relent, if a doctor and a cowboy cannot fall in love because they happen to be men, then nobody can really fall in love if they happen to be men,” she stated in an interview with "Real News Today and Also Tomorrow." The powerful statement has been heard all across the animation industry.

The real question here is, are they gay? Really, is this cowboy and doctor duo really a gay couple? We tried to reach out to Calamity Cowboy and Doctor Disagreeable for a statement, but unfortunately- we were not contacted about an interview. There is only speculation to go off of, so, here is a brief history between the two.

Doctor Disagreeable concept art