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Lost and Found: The Honest Review (🎉Article #100🎉)

Art by Jillian Mae Machacon

We’ve all done it at some point in time: left a textbook or a sweatshirt at school only to find that it’s vanished the next day. In my case, it was my little brother, only instead of getting put in the lost and found he was taken by CPS. Most of the time, however, your lost relic eventually ends up in a magical wonderland known as the ERHS Lost And Found, a mish-mash of must and glory and the only lively thing in Ms. Cisneros’ office. The Lost And Found, while relatively tiny, serves a great purpose in our school and community. Everyone knows it as a place to retrieve your Paw Patrol thermos if it ever gets lost, but it also serves as a great collection of stuff to donate.

What do I mean? Well, if you’re lazy and don’t feel like getting your damp sweatshirt that was left in the rain overnight, it’ll eventually be donated to a local organization or charity to clear out space for future lost items. So if you decide to be a horrible human being and shun your belongings, it’ll be given some love in the hands of another person who values it. Wholesome 100 indeed, but we’re not here to discuss that. Today, we’ll be taking a look at some of those items that are lost and yet to be found. I’ve rummaged through the many Chemistry textbooks and gym shorts to find the most obscure and coolest items still at the Lost And Found. Below are my findings.

Perusing the dimly lit halls adjacent to the main office, we reach the lost and found. Entering the room, the Lost and Found was rather messy, clothes and other goods scattered across the floor. Ms. Cisneros sits quietly in her office practicing for her next caw, Ms. Figueroa is AWOL As expected, the usual pile of damp gym shirts and shorts caked the sad wooden table of goods, along with the classic dirty fluffy sweater.

In a sticky plastic box, resided several lunch boxes and water flasks. I was quite tempted to take a quality Hydro Flask for myself, but I didn’t in fear of the Modelo virus. In the box, a plush sea-life themed lunch pail. The pail was greasy and caked with an unknown substance that smelled of cheese. Inside the pail, food, oh god so much food. Food of all kinds, fruits, a sandwich, chips, a small greasy water bottle. Surprisingly, none of the comestibles inside were moldy. Quite the opposite actually, they were still slightly fresh and definitely edible. One thing stood out in the pail, however. Deep inside, in a wrinkled plastic Ziploc sat the blastocyst of an unborn baby. I knew it couldn’t survive on its own, so I took it with me, not for vanity, but for the future of the human race. Over the course of this article, I’ve cared for it and I’m happy to say it is now a fetus, slowly developing to be a baby boy in about 40 weeks. When he grows up and goes to school, he’ll be using the musty sea-themed lunch pail to carry daddy’s yummy sandwiches with him to school. He’ll grow up, get a job, and have his own wife and kids, whom he’ll pass the lunch pail down too. He’ll die and his kids will bury the lunch pail with him, a sign of the fulfilling life he’s lived. Despite the beautiful tale behind it, the pail was wet, greasy, smelly, and filled with stains inside and out. Overall, I give it 6 Stinky’s Out Of 10.

Rummaging through more items, I came across some pom-poms, most likely left behind by a cheerleader. Silver and green, like the mold in the Bungalows. I knew I couldn’t leave them there, some poor cheerleader was going to be scrutinized by her team without them. I took them and went on a search to find the cheerleader and return her beloved pom-poms. I trekked the Occidental college hills searching far and wide for any sign of green and gray, nothing. My journey took me all over the world, to the Great Alps, Mount. Mckinley, the Swiss Mountains, until I, now a frail old man, reached the Himalayas. At the base of Mount Everest, I stood, my long gray bear dragging across the ground, the frost-covered pom-poms in my left hand, trekking poles in the other. With my trusty Fjallraven bag full of supplies, I started making my way to the summit. Within a day, I reached base camp but decided to keep going. I slowly made my way across the snowy landscape, passing the shambling corpse of Green boots. With little energy left, I made it close to the summit shivering. I didn’t think I was going to make it, the bodily fluids inside me felt as if they were frozen solid. I persevered and eventually made it to the top successfully. On top of the summit, an old woman wearing green and gray, long silver hair flowing in the wind. I approached her and gave her the pom-poms, she started crying and hugged me as a sign of appreciation. With that, I left Everest and made it back to ERHS, where I realized the pom-poms were nothing more than that. Overall, I give this item 3 Stinky’s out of 10.

With little time left, I began looking through the last of the plastic boxes on the floor. Inside a box of PE shirts and shorts was a worn-out football. I didn’t know what it was doing there since the outer shell was flaking off and getting on the rest of the items inside. I picked it up and found that it was surprisingly heavy. Nothing odd stood out about it, and I went to put it back in the box. When I adjusted my hands on the ball, a secret button was pushed down, a slide-out drawer revealed itself. Inside, several small papers of codes. They seemed like random gibberish at first, however, once I got to the last note, all was revealed. These were nuclear launch codes stowed within a nuclear football. I was in awe, I had the world literally in my hands. I could do anything, get rid of anyone on the planet. While I debated on which E-boy to eliminate first, two men in black suits and sunglasses came into the hallway. They began running towards me, I took cover in Ms. Cisneros’ office, Ms. Cisneros commenced Defcawn 1 and began to panic. I slammed the door shut, the men began knocking loudly on it. They began to hack at it with an ax. It was at this point that I ripped the drawer out of the filing cabinet and used it as cover. I ran towards the men and smacked them in the face, knocking them out. I grabbed the blastocyst, the pom-poms, and the football before running out of the office in fear. After retreating into the Horticulture garden and calming down, I realized something. That football was dirty and quite frankly, disgusting. I give it 8 Stinky’s out of 10.

The Lost And Found is truly a mystical place. It’s comparable to the school lunches, in that you never know what you’re gonna stumble upon. It could be a masterpiece or the most horrendous thing bestowed upon you in your life. You never know until you actually get there, kinda like the Winter Formal. In conclusion, the Lost and Found is a highly important part of our school that isn’t recognized enough by students and faculty. Without the Lost And Found, how would you ever retrieve your prized Supreme shirt? Where would you borrow clothes when you get your Tupac shirt taken by Mr. Moran? There are so many things the Lost And Found does for our school, and it's neglected like the Football field. Do yourself a favor and pay a visit to the Lost and Found when you have time, show it some love, you won’t regret it!

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