Former Eagle’s Scream employee declared lost at sea

Art by Femi Henry-Chia

Eno Thomson-Tribe, a former Eagle’s Scream employee best remembered for his proficiency in the sciences and mathematics, was declared lost at sea by the United States Coast Guard on September 17, 2021.

On July 19 of this year, Mr. Thomson-Tribe embarked on his fateful solo voyage to study Gregor the Brave, a highly venomous box jellyfish infamous among marine biologists. He had been long-fascinated with Gregor the Brave, a blood-red specimen with a whopping twelve-foot diameter and one hundred feet of venomous tentacles. After years of research, Mr. Thomson-Tribe was finally ready to embark on his scientific journey to the western coast of Norway, endeavoring to photograph Gregor the Brave and return to his home town of Los Angeles, California with a sample of the creature’s infamous venom. What he was planning to do with the venom remains a mystery.

A group of conspiracy theorists posting to a Reddit group titled “r/VictimsofGregortheBrave,” created after Mr. Thomson-Tribe’s mysterious disappearance, has their own ideas.

“The last voyage I ever went on was to photograph Gregor the Brave,” writes CauliflowerJellyfish58. “I lost my left arm and the rest of my 20-person crew to him. I’ll bet my ship’s anchor that that kid died in the cruel clutches of my old nemesis, just trying to get his venom to go overboard on a high school science project.”

SeaMonsterFighter1776 has a drastically different take: “Tribe was muckin around with the norwegian government [sic]. They’re one of our biggest political enemies. He was gonna help them put jellyfish poison in the Ikea furniture and I'm sure he was paid pretty good too [sic]. But I trust that the good ol’ US of A did away with that turncoat [sic].”

However, nothing gets us closer to the truth of the mystery that has rattled the nation than the words of the man himself.

In this exclusive interview, Mr. Thomson-Tribe tells us that he was drawn to studying Gregor the Brave, despite the creature’s reputation for gruesome displays of avid bloodlust, because “the fact that it is known to devour people alive” made the voyage exciting for him, and the great risk to his own life “added a challenging aspect to it.” Additionally, he remarks, “what actually got me to go was to obtain its venom.”

From the scientific journals found in Mr. Thomson-Tribe’s boat when it washed ashore (half of it in Norway, the other half in Fernandina Beach, Florida), we know the details and purpose of his voyage -- but not his intentions for Gregor the Brave’s venom. “I was originally going to keep this secret, but now that I’m dead, it doesn’t really matter,” Mr. Thomson-Tribe says. “Comparing what we know about jellyfish, and, further, Gregor the Brave, we [see] that there are important similarities between the DNA of Hister Micks, and that of Gregor the Brave.” (Hister Micks is, of course, the giant redwood tree in the school horticulture garden, placated only by routine sacrifices of seventh graders. Mr. Thomson-Tribe researched Hister Micks extensively for his March 2021 article, ‘Coyote turf wars, sentient trees, and more: What to expect when we get back to ERHS.’”) He continues: “I was hoping that I could -- using the venom from Gregor the Brave -- destroy Hister Micks once and for all, and stop the cycle of sacrificing seventh graders to keep it at bay.” A noble endeavor, but one that, ultimately, ended in tragedy.

Photo by Eden Greene

Perhaps more intriguing than the reasoning for Mr. Thomson-Tribe’s mission, though, was the cause of his death, which he now sheds light on. “Thinking about this just makes my brain hurt. Do I have a brain now that I’m dead? I’m not sure how it works,” he begins. “I had reached the spot off the coast of Norway, where -- after a few [unsuccessful dives] -- I [...] actually saw Gregor the Brave. He was closer to the surface than I had expected, [though] it was still fairly dark down there. I tried to get closer to run a few tests and to find out more about the creature, but it noticed me during that time. So, we engaged in this incredible battle that was absolutely legendary. We fought for what felt like hours. It was probably only, like, a minute or two, maybe less, but it felt like hours. And at one point I tried to fend it off with my pocket knife, which worked about as well as you would expect. It did not work at all, and it managed to land a sting on my leg, which paralyzed it from the knee down.

“At that point, I decided to cut my losses and see if I could swim back to the boat. I don’t know how, but [the creature] did not chase me, and I made it up, pulled myself on, and decided that I needed to seek medical help immediately, because even though it didn’t try to eat me, it was still very dangerous to be stung by Gregor the Brave. As I was trying to steer the boat back to the coast of Norway to get to a hospital, I was turning the sail, and a strong gust of wind blew it suddenly toward me, and the boom of the sail whacked me right in the face, killing me instantly.”

Mr. Thomson-Tribe recalls that “as much of a physical fight as it was, [the battle] was equally, if not more so, a battle of wits. I could tell that I was dealing with a smart and ferocious opponent. It was like a game of chess. I would say that it had a large brain and was able to think, and was able to anticipate my arrival, but all studies that have been done on jellyfish have shown that they do not have brains. [...] He definitely did know that I was coming, and he prepared for it. If anyone ever does a follow-up to my expedition,” Mr. Thomson-Tribe warns, one should be ready for anything, “because he will wait for you.”

Though Mr. Thomson-Tribe regrets being unable to complete his mission (“nothing worked out successfully, and I’m in a super bad mood about it”), he does have plans for the future. Some of his fondest memories of Eagle Rock High came from the virtual journalism classroom, and for this reason, he says, “When you're dead, you can’t do much, but one of the few fun things you can do is haunt things. And what better place to haunt than ERHS and Eagle’s Scream? So, if you ever see a typo, especially in the Shalllot, that was me.”