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Is Twilight bad-bad or good-bad?

Screencap from Twilight

During the holidays I went to Hot Topic at least 5 times – which is more than I’ve been in 2 years – but I was there not for myself, I was there for my silly friends who like silly things! I couldn’t help myself, though, so I looked around for something I might like. When I took a full loop around the store my eyes grazed the most terrifying thing I’d ever seen: a section dedicated to Twilight. I was shocked, bewildered, starstruck, even. I rushed over to stare into Robert Pattison’s eyes… I needed it. My dad said no. I cried. Kidding, but I ended up going home with my friend's gift and two Twilight stickers that currently sit on my school Chromebook.

Ever since I saw the wee little vampire movie, probably in November, my life has not been the same. Someone says they're hungry? Twilight reference. A couple holding hands? Twilight reference. A question on my math test says Bella and Edward? Obvious Twilight reference.

I always stopped myself from watching the movie ‘cause it’s so incredibly stupid. A vampire falls in love with a human? That’s everything but my type of movie. Even still, my mom convinced me to sit down and watch it. Normally during movies, I get bored and pull my phone out and play solitaire or something but I couldn’t keep my focus away from the Cullens. I nearly shed tears at the end of that movie. It was so beautiful. Two minutes after the credits I searched “Edward Cullen edits” on TikTok.

Movie poster for Twilight
Twilight (the first one)

I’m going to be very, very real right now… You have to watch this movie. It’s one of the most iconic pieces of film that I have ever seen. The movie is set with a blue filter that screams the 2000s. Think Paramore's “All I Wanted Was You”. If you don’t know anything about anyone, Twilight is about a girl named Bella Swann who just moved in with her dad in a small town covered in rain called Forks. She’s a Y/N type of main character: Long black hair, nervous, clumsy, smart, and pretty. So obviously, when she goes to Forks, she already has a bunch of guys on her. We first meet Jacob (BOO TOMATO TOMAHTOH BEEN THERE DONE THAT WANNABE) and he’s ugly. Then we meet Edward (MAMMA MIA SEXY MAN I LOVE HIM) and he’s a vampire, but Bella doesn’t know that.

Edward’s family are all vampires, and they’re all the “cool loners”. I guess Bella is stinky because Edward smells her and basically has an aneurysm about it. He tries to distance himself but he can’t because she looks so yummy. Literally, he wants to actually eat her. Long story short they fall in love but they can’t really be together because he’s a vampire and she’s a human blah, blah, blah. They get together anyway and there's a scene that is the most legendary scene in cinematic history: the baseball scene. I have never seen a scene so beautiful. “Supermassive Black Hole” by Muse is on and they’re playing in the rain so when they hit the ball it sounds like thunder. It’s. So. Cool. Also, the action at the end of the movie is so cray cray, that I was on the edge of my seat. Bella was screaming and crying and Edward was gonna bite her to revive her, but he couldn’t stop himself so he was just attached to her wrist for a good 2 minutes… but he saved her! Yay! Lovers! Anyway, watch the first Twilight, you won’t regret it.

Movie poster for Twilight: New Moon
Twilight: New Moon

The second one you might regret. The thing is, it’s not a bad movie. It doesn’t have the blue filter anymore (top ten worst mistakes in movie history) and starts very soon after the first one. I remember watching it and sort of drifting asleep and one minute Bella and Edward were making out on a bed of roses and then within the same minute Edward was saying he never wanted to see her again. I was so confused. So the next day I restarted it so I could fully grasp the thought-provoking concepts of this sequel. When I actually paid attention, it turns out Edward didn’t want to turn Bella, and he was sad ‘cause he loved her so instead of just being with her he left for Italy? I don't know, the beginning is a blur. Throughout the movie, I wish I was lying, Bella wakes up screaming bloody murder because she is so sad about her emo boyfriend leaving her. It’s actually traumatizing.

So this movie is centered around J*cob since Edward isn’t in the picture anymore and it's terrible. I hate Jacob. He sucks doo-doo butt and is a terrible person, not to mention he is way less hot than Edward. Jacob has a major crush on Bella and she’s not really picking up on it. This makes sense ‘cause she’s still very depressed about Edward. As the movie progresses she starts hallucinating him. It’s a whole jumpscare. His spirit keeps telling her to not take risks and every time she takes risks he shows up. As a result, she begins to make even more risks. She goes on a little date with her friend and while she’s there she sees this group of guys (who harassed her in the first movie) and decides “I’m gonna go over there and jump on their motorcycle”! So she does and Edward is all angry, but Bella continues regardless. In order to keep seeing him she goes to Jacob to help her fix this bike she… found? She got it somehow. In a heartbeat, Jacob agrees, so now the bike is fixed. When it’s ready Bella takes it on a test run and totally crashes ‘cause she’s trash. She hits her head and it starts bleeding. So what does Jacob do to help? He takes his whole shirt off. Hello? He takes every single moment to take his shirt off. It’s so incredibly annoying I want to staple my eyes every time I see him.

They end up going on a movie date and Jacob confesses to her and is all “I like you uwu” and Bella is all “I wake up screaming uwu” and she tells him she needs time. He agrees. Fast forward when Bella is finally ready to be together and Jacob stops talking to her. For no reason. He’s mad for no reason. He says, “You don’t care about me. I’m a little man baby wah wah. Never talk to me again.”

Suddenly, Alice (Edward's sister) shows up and tells Bella how Edward is going to literally off himself since he thinks Bella is dead. For some reason? So they fast-track to Italy. Reunion. Edward needs to turn Bella ASAP. New Moon over.

Movie poster for Twilight: Eclipse
Twilight: Eclipse

I watched this one with a friend of mine and it was something that took years off my life every 25 minutes. This movie is about Edward and Bella and how Edward needs to make Bella a vampire but doesn’t really want to. So Edward wants marriage! At 18! Bella is a little comprehensive but she complies making sure after marriage she will be a vampire.

Also, remember the vampire Edward killed at the end of the first movie? His girlfriend is making a vampire army just to kill Bella. So as there are more kills in nearby cities, the Cullens get suspicious and eventually figure out what’s going on. Meanwhile, Jacob has finally become a werewolf and is officially an enemy of the vampires. He and Edward have this crazy tension and I swear to god I thought they were going to kiss. When they realize the vamp army is coming to their town, they understand that the wolves and the vampires must come together to save Ms. Swan, but Jacob is so angry that Bella didn’t choose him that he doesn’t want to help. He ends up agreeing and they all decide to take the fight far away from town. Bella doesn’t want her dad getting mixed up in this.

They take her clothes and rub her scent up against a bunch of trees to try and redirect the vampires and take Bella up into the freezing cold mountains. Snow and everything. She’s in a little tent with her Y2K long-sleeves and low-rise jeans so obviously she’s cold. Jacob finds them and Bella politely asks him to cuddle her. He’s warmblooded, by the way. Bella falls asleep in his manly arms and this lets Edward and Jacob have a conversation.

“Rah, stop taking my girl,” whispers Edward.

“Rah, she’s so fine though,” whispers Jacob.

“You know, if you weren’t a werewolf, I think I’d like you,” smirks Edward.

“You know, if you weren’t a vampire… Nah I’d still hate you.” What a knee-slapper! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! As this little talk is happening, the angry girlfriend finds them and decides to attempt to kill Bella herself. Obviously, she doesn’t and she dies. Loser alert! They can finally go back to the town and everyone is so happy that they’re okay. Jacob is still pouty and runs off to fight the last vampire left and breaks all of his bones. I’m not even exaggerating, he literally breaks his whole body. That’s pretty much how the movie ends.

The Takeaway (I’m so sorry)

When finishing that last section I realized I’ve written 1,500 words about Twilight and if I were a reader I know I wouldn’t be able to handle anymore, so I am going to leave you to watch Breaking Dawn parts 1 and 2. Hopefully, this one helped you understand why it’s so popular, or maybe made you not want to watch it even more. Either way, I did my job.

Bella’s baby… via… Twilight Saga…

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