Words fail to describe how punchable Ben Platt’s face is


Image by Briana Garcia

AMBER Alert: A 17 going on 28 Caucasian man missing after Rotten Tomatoes destroys Dear Evan Hansen’s chance at being a movie-musical success. Currently living under the alias “Ben Platt,” he was last seen at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles wearing a collared sky blue shirt with navy blue stripes and a cast on his forearm with the name “Connor” scrawled across in a bold black.


As dawn approached on September 24, 2021, Tony award winner, Ben Platt, hid in the shadows of AMC theaters. Lurking behind trash cans and empty popcorn buckets, awaiting innocent moviegoers [victims] leaving the theater after watching the new “Dear Evan Hansen” movie. When people began to leave the theater, Platt hissed and spat anytime someone mentioned his disturbing performance. The wave of nepotism that Platt rode throughout his career was crashing into the shore–and it was merciless. The internet was instantly flooded with memes and awful reviews, which caused the actor to spiral. The nail in the coffin was the website Rotten Tomatoes giving the movie a 31% on the “Tomatometer,” which caused Platt to completely lose his mind. He has not been seen since.


Society has crumbled after the release of the “Dear Evan Hansen” movie. Recently, one victim anonymously came forward to make a brave statement about Platt after his disappearance: “Two people who I think have the most punchable faces are Ben Platt and the governor of Florida. Don’t know why, but every time I see these men’s faces, I do indeed want to punch them.” While there haven’t been any leads, we suspect that if “Ben Platt” is repeated 3 times into a mirror, he will be found.

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